Legally Blonde: The Musical Soundtrack Album Lyrics

[Margot:]
Dear Elle, he's a lucky guy
I'm, like, gonna cry, I got tears comin' out of my nose!
MAD PROPS! He's the campus catch
You're a perfect match
'Cause you both got such great taste in clothes
Of course he will propose!

[Serena:]
Dear Elle, honey mazel tov
Future's taking off
Bring that ring back and show it to me!

[Pilar:]
Four carats, a princess cut
Are you psyched or what?
I just wish I could be there to see

[Margot, Serena, & Pilar:]
When he gets down on one knee!

[Delta Nus:]
Omigod!
Omigod you guys
Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize
If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies
Omigod you guys!
Omigod this is happening
Our own homecoming Queen and King
Finally she'll be trying on a huge engagement ring for size
Omigod you guys!
Omigod!

[Pilar:]
Okay, everybody sign?
Good now fall in line
And we'll start the engagement parade

[Serena:]
Light candles in single file
Don't forget to smile!
Lose the gum Kate, you look like the maid

[Kate:]
Sorry!

[Serena:]
Now prepare to serenade!
Shh!

[Delta Nus:]
Omigod! Omigod you guys
Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize

[Serena:]
Shh!

[Delta Nus:]
If there ever was a perfect couple this one quali-

[Serena:]
Shh!

[Delta Nus:]
Omigod! You gu-

[Serena:]
Guys, I'm serious!

[Delta Nu #1:]
Elle and Warner were meant to be!

[Delta Nu #2:]
Not once ever has he hit on me!

[Kate:]
Shut up!

[Margot:]
They're just like that couple from Titanic
Only no one dies

[Delta Nus:]
Omigod!

[A Delta Nu:]
2, 3, 4

[Delta Nus:]
Daughter of Delta Nu
Soon to be fiance
Now that a man chose you
Your life begins today
Make him a happy home
Waste not his hard-earned wage
And so he does not roam
Strive not to look your age
Still in your hour of need
Let it be understood, no man can supercede
Our sacred bond of sisterhood
Omigod! Omigod, you gu-

[Serena:]
Guys, she's not here

[Margot:]
Bruiser, where is Elle?

[Bruiser:]
[Barks]

[Margot:]
She doesn't have an engagement outfit?

[Bruiser:]
[Barks]

[Margot:]
She's totally freaking out?

[Bruiser:]
[Barks]

[Margot:]
She's trapped in the old valley mill?!?

[Bruiser:]
[Barks]

[Margot:]
Oh, whoops, sorry!
The Old Valley Mall!

[Delta Nus:]
Omigod! Dress Emergency!

[Serena:]
Don't take the freeway!

[A Delta Nu:]
Hey, wait for me!

[Delta Nus:]
No one should be left alone to dress
And to accessorize

[A Delta Nu:]
Omigod you guys

[Delta Nus:]
Omigod, omigod
Omigod, omigod
Omigod!

[Elle:]
It's almost there but
This dress needs to seal the deal
Make a grown man kneel
But it can't come right out and say bride
Can't look like I'm desperate
Or like I'm waiting for it
I gotta leave Warner his pride
So bride is more implied

[Enter Delta Nu's]

[Elle:]
Omigod! Omigod, you guys!
All this week I've had butterflies
Every time he looks at me it's totally proposal eyes
Omigod, you guys!
So help me dress for my fairy tale
Can't wear something I bought on sale

[Serena:]
Love is, like, forever
This is no time to economize

[Delta Nus:]
Omigod you guys!

[Shopgirl:]
Blondes make commission so easy...
Excuse me, have you seen this?
It just came in
It's perfect for a blonde

[Elle:]
Right, with a half-loop stitch on china silk?

[Shopgirl:]
Uh-huh

[Elle:]
But the thing is, you can't use a half-loop stitch on china silk
It'll pucker
And you didn't just get this in 'cause I saw it in last May's Vogue

[Delta Nus:]
Omigod. Omigod you guys!

[Elle:]
I'm not about to buy last year's dress at this year's price

[Delta Nus:]
Elle saw right through that salesgirl's lies

[Elle:]
It may be perfect for a blonde, but I'm not that blonde
I may be in love but I'm not stupid, lady, I've got eyes

[Manager:]
Omigod! Elle Woods, sorry, our mistake
Courtney, take your break!
Just ignore her, she hasn't been well
Try this latest from Milan, go on, try it on
I take care of my best clientele
It's a gift from me to Elle!

[Elle:]
Omigod! Omigod you guys!
This one's perfect, and it's just my size!
See, dreams really do come true
You never have to compromise
Omigod!

[Delta Nus:]
Omigod! Omigod, you guys!
Let's go home before someone cries
If there ever was a perfect couple this one qualifies
'Cause we love you guys

[Elle:]
No, I love you guys!

[Delta Nus:]
Omigod!

[Elle:]
Omigod!

[All:]
Omigod, you guys!
Omigod!

[Warner:]
We both know why we're here
I see it in your eyes
I guess it calms my fear
To know it's not a surprise
I thought one look at you
Lookin' like a dream come true
Would leave me speechless like you always do
But now we're wide awake
And we've got some plans to make
Let's take some action, baby

So baby, give me your hand
I've got some dreams to make true
I've got the future all planned
It's time to get serious
Time to get serious with you

[Elle:]
I never thought that I-

[Warner:]
Um, honey, I'm not finished

[Elle:]
Oh, sorry

[Warner (Elle):]
Since I was two or three (Mmhmm)
My life was planned out neat (Mmhmm)
I'd get my law degree (Yeah)
And then win my Senate seat (Mmm)
A big white house back east (Uh huh)
All of the amenities (Yeah)

[Warner:]
Three kids

[Both:]
At least, just like the Kennedys

[Warner (Elle):]
Here's where our lives begin (Our lives begin)
But just where do you fit in? (Fit me in!)
I'll break it down now, baby (Oh ohh)
So baby give me your hand
(Here's my hand, here's my hand)
I've got some dreams to make true
(We both have dreams to make true)
I know you'll understand
(Oh yes, I understand)

[Both:]
It's time to get serious
Time to get serious with

[Warner (Elle):]
Serious (Serious)
Gotta wake up and take our journey
Serious (Serious)
I'm tellin' you as a future attorney
You want the moon and sky (Ahh)
Then take it, don't be shy (Okay!)
Baby that's why you and I (You and I)
Should break up

[Elle:]
Yes baby I'll give you my hand—wait what!?

You're breaking up with me?
I thought you were proposing!

[Warner:]
Elle, if I'm gonna be a Senator when I'm thirty
I'm gonna need somebody

-serious!
Less of a Marilyn, more of a Jackie
Serious!
Somebody classy and not too tacky

[Elle:]
What!?

[Warner:]
Okay that came out wrong
Baby let's both be strong
I mean we've known all along!

[Elle:]
Just shut up
What does that mean, I'm not a Jackie?
I'm not serious?
But I am seriously in love with you

[Warner:]
Baby my future's all planned
I've got some dreams to make true
I thought that you'd understand
It's time to get serious...
Time to get serious...

Check please

[Elle:]
Wait a sec! This is the kind of girl Warner wants!
Someone serious!
Someone lawyerly!
Someone who wears black when nobody's dead!
Girls, I have a completely brilliant plan!

What you want, Warner
What you want is me
But you need to see me in a brand new domain

Well it's plain, Warner
In a different setting, you will see you're getting
All of this plus a brain!

I'll meet you there at Harvard with a book in my hand
Big sturdy book, big wordy book
Full of words I'll understand
And right there is where you'll see it too
Warner, what you want is right in front of you!

[Delta Nu:]
What you want

[Elle:]
It's clear

[Delta Nu:]
What you want

[Elle:]
Right here

[Delta Nu:]
What you want is right in front of you, front of you
What you want

[Elle:]
It's clear

[Delta Nu:]
What you want

[Elle:]
Right here

[Delta Nu:]
What you want is right in front of you, front of you

[Elle:]
Step one! He's off to Harvard law
So I get in there too

[Delta Nu:]
Step two!

[Elle:]
Make Warner reassess
Impress him with my high IQ

[Delta Nu:]
Step three!

[Elle:]
We throw a great big wedding

[Elle & Delta Nu:]
And invite all Delta Nu!

[Kate:]
That's great, nice plan
Now can we think this through?
Harvard Law School?

[Elle:]
I have a 4.0 average

[Kate:]
Yeah, in Fashion Merchandising
What makes you think you can do this?

[Elle:]
Love! I'm doing this for love!
And love will see me through
Yes, with love on my side, I can't lose
And Harvard can't refuse
A love so pure and true
Don't lawyers feel love too?

[Kate:]
Even if they do

What you want, sweetheart is no easy thing
If you're going to swing it, it will wreck your senior spring
Yeah, it's true
First, you'll need an LSAT score of more than 174
So no more parties for you

You'll need a killer essay, or do not even hope
And glowing letters from your betters
Any chance you know the pope?

[Elle:]
Uh, nope

[Kate:]
Too bad, 'cause that would be a coup
And you've got a lot of work in front of you

[Delta Nu:]
What you want

[Elle:]
Yes I know

[Delta Nu:]
What you want

[Elle:]
Even so

[Delta Nu:]
What you want is right in front of you, front of you
What you want
(Girl, you go!)
What you want

[Kate:]
No, really, go!

[Delta Nu:]
What you want is right in front of you, front of you

[Father:]
Law school?

[Elle:]
Yes, Daddy, law school!

[Father:]
Good God, why? Law school is for boring, ugly, serious people!
And you, Button, are none of those things

What you want, Button, you just say the word!
But what you want's absurd
And costs a whole lot of swag
And hell, why?
Button, when you can stay right here
Pursue a film career-

[Mother:]
How 'bout a nice Birkin bag?

[Father:]
Yes, the east coast is foreign
There's no film studios
It's cold and dark, no valet parking
All the girls have different noses!
Christ, Button! It's like the damned frontier!

[Father & Mother:]
Tell me what's out there that you can't get right here?

[Elle:]
Guys, love!

[Father & Mother:]
Love?

[Elle:]
I'm going there for love

[Father & Mother:]
Good God!

[Elle:]
A love I have to win
I can live without sun or valet
I can't just walk away
Betray what might have been

[Father:]
Fine, okay, I'll pay your way if you get in!

[All:]
What you want

[Father & Mother:]
Make good grades

[All:]
What you want

[Father & Mother:]
And it's paid

[All:]
What you want is right in front of you, front of you

[Margot:]
Hey everybody, it's the spring fling beer bash extreme!

[Frat Guys:]
EXTREME!

[Kate:]
Not for you! Time to study! Go!

[Margot:]
This year's theme: Jamaican me crazy!

[Grandmaster Chad:]
What you want, you wanna be out because the sun she warm?
What you want, you wanna be study-stuck inside your dorm?
What you want, you wanna be partyin' with us all night long?
What you want, you wanna be strong?

[Kate:]
Be strong!

[All:]
Oh-oh

[Kate:]
134. Not good enough. Try again. Go!

[Grandmaster Chad:]
What you want, you wanna be groovin' up and shake the room?
What you want, you wanna be provin' something and to whom?
What you want, you wanna be wonderin' where you your youth has gone?
What you want, you wanna hold on?

[Elle:]
Hold on!

[All:]
Oh-oh

[Kate:]
151. Still not Harvard material. Once again. Go!

[Grandmaster Chad:]
What you want, you wanna be breathing in the healthy air?
What you want, you wanna be chasing him and he don't care?
What you want, you wanna ignore the pity in their looks
What you want, you wanna say sorry, go and hit me books
What you want, you wanna sittin' like a lonely child
What you want, you wanna be drivin' all the fellas wild
What you want, you wanna be feelin' good to be alive...

[Elle:]
Love!
I'm doing this for love
And that's how I'll survive
Here you go, I said no, go away!
Right here is where I'll stay
Until that happy day
That day I hear them say...

[Kate:]
175

[Delta Nu:]
175

[Elle:]
175!

[Delta Nu:]
175, 175!

[Harvard Professor:]
So, gentlemen
Harvard Law grants admission to Adam Cohen and Sundeep Padamadan
And now, Ms. Elle Woods, who was kind enough to send in a headshot...

[Other Professor:]
We should admit her, for reasons of, um... multiculturalism!

[Professors:]
Multiculturalism!

[Harvard Professor:]
Oh gentlemen, please! Get a hold of yourselves!
Oh, look at that! Oh, what a shame!
She didn't bother sending in a personal essay!

[Pilar:]
How's this for a personal essay?

[Delta Nu:]
What you want!

[Harvard Professor:]
Goodness me!

[Delta Nu:]
What you want!

[Harvard Professor:]
Security!

[Delta Nu:]
What you want is right in-

[Harvard Professor:]
Who are you?

[Elle:]
I'm what you want, Harvard
I'm the girl for you!

[Elle & Delta Nu:]
And to prove it's true

[Elle:]
We all flew here on Jet Blue

[Elle & Delta Nu:]
Thank you!

[Jet Blue Pilot:]
Thank you!

[Delta Nu:]
This is what Elle Woods inspires
Everyone admires her
And Harvard should too!

[Harvard Professor:]
This is not a personal essay!

[Delta Nu:]
No!
An essay's so boring and so much does not fit
So we're appearing live, right here
Making clear you must admit
That Elle Woods should join the chosen few
Harvard, what you want is right in front of-

[Elle:]
May I approach?

[Delta Nu:]
Uh-huh! Oh yeah! Go Elle!

[Harvard Professor:]
Now see here, Ms. Woods!
You can't just barge in here with singing and dancing and ethnic movement
This is a very flashy presentation, but I still don't see one reason to admit you!

[Elle:]
How about love?
Have you ever been in love?
'Cause if you have, you'll know
That love never accepts a defeat
No challenge it can't meet
No place it cannot go
Don't say no to a woman in love

Don't laugh when I say love
Don't think that I'm naive
Because even a person who's smart
Can listen to their heart
Can listen and believe
So believe in what love can achieve

Do you believe?

[Professor:]
I do!

[Elle:]
Do you believe?

[Professor:]
Me too!

[All:]
Yes, we believe in love!
How 'bout you?

[Harvard Professor:]
Welcome to Harvard!

[All:]
What you want
What you want
What you want is right in front of you, front of you
What you want
What you want
What you want is right in front of you, front of you

What you want
What you want
What you want
What you want!

[EMMETT, spoken]
Hello, I'm Emmett Forrest
Welcome to the hallowed halls of Harvard Law
Let's go around and share a bit about yourselves

[AARON, spoken]
Aaron Schultz

(sung)
I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes
I write financial software codes
But that's a challenge I've outgrown
How many yachts can one man own?
Some say that I'm a pompous creep
Somehow I don't lose that much sleep
Why bother with false modesty?
Harvard's the perfect place for me

[EMMETT/ENID/SUNDEEP]
Pretty impressive, good to know

[EMMETT]
Welcome to Harvard

[SUNDEEP]
What's up
[ENID]
Yo!

[SUNDEEP, spoken]
Sundeep Agrawal Padamadan
But you may call me Your Majesty!

(sung)
In my country my word was law but then I flee because of stupid coup d'état
But here I learn, I make new friends and soon return in bullet-proof Mercedes Benz

[EMMETT/ENID/AARON]
Pretty impressive, good to know

[EMMETT]
Welcome to Harv-

[ENID]
Enid Hoopes!
I did the Peace Corps overseas
Innoculating refugees in family clinics that I built myself from mud and trees
I fought to clean up their lagoons and save their rare endangered loons
And led a protest march against insensitive cartoons

[EMMETT/SUNDEEP/AARON]
Pretty impressive, good-
[ENID]
But now I'm on the legal track because this country's out of whack and only women have the guts to go and take it back
We'll make the government come clean and get more people voting Green
And really stick it to the phallocentric war machine

[ELLE, spoken]
I love your top, it is so fatigue chic!
Anyone know where I could find Criminal Law 101 with Professor Callahan... and Warner Huntington III?

[EMMETT, spoken]
It's in Hauser, over there, second building on the left

[ELLE]
Thanks!

[AARON, SUNDEEP, ENID, STUDENTS]
I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes
I write financial software codes In my country
Why bother with My word I did the Peace Corps overseas
False modesty? Was law Innouculating refugees in
Harvard's the perfect But then Family clinics that I built Harvard's the perfect
Place for me I flee Myself from mud and trees Place for me

[ALL STUDENTS]
Harvard's the perfect place for-
[ELLE]
Warner!

[STUDENTS]
Ahh ah ah ah ahh

[ELLE]
'Scuse me

[STUDENTS]
Ahh ah ah ah ahh

[ELLE]
Pardon me

[STUDENTS]
Ahh ah ah ah ahh

[ELLE]
Comin' through!

[STUDENTS]
Harvard's the perfect place for me!
Pretty impressive, good to know
Welcome to Harvard!

[WARNER]
Elle?!

[ELLE, spoken]
Hm? Oh my God, Warner?
I totally forgot you go here

[Callahan:]
Now when you choose a law career
The moment you embark
There is that joke you're bound to hear
"A lawyer is a shark"
Ignore that, it's simplistic and it's dumb
Only some of you will turn out sharks, just some
The rest... are chum

Our topic is blood in the water
Kids, it's time you faced
Law school is a waste
Oh yes, unless you acquire a taste for blood in the water
Dark and red and raw
You're nothing until the thrill of the kill becomes your only law

Mr Schultz, hypothetical question
Would you be willing to defend the following banker accused of fraud?

A kind old Grandma took her savings and she sent it
Off to your client, all she saved since she was born
Well, he promised to invest it, but he spent it
On prostitutes and heroin and porn

[Aaron Schultz:]
No, I would not want to take that case

[Callahan:]
Wrong!
This one is a win unless you're lazy
Grandma's broke, she'll have some hack from legal aid
Put her on the stand and call her old and crazy
Your guy goes free and he can get you high and laid

Look for the blood in the water
Read your Thomas Hobbes
Only spineless snobs
Will quarrel with the morally dubious jobs
Yes, blood in the water
Your scruples are a flaw

Ms Hoopes, hypothetical question
Would you be the right lawyer for the following client?

Say they offer you a bundle for defending
A famous hitman for the Mafia elite
Seems he missed his chosen prey
Killed a nun and drove away
Running over three cute puppies in the street

[Enid Hoopes:]
What, you think I wouldn't defend him
Just because he's a typical man?

[Callahan:]
Oh, you lesbians think you're so tough

[Hoopes:]
(Stammers incoherently)

[Callahan:]
Oh dear, I fear my comment has offended
Hard to argue, though, when you're too mad to speak
Your employment will be very quickly ended
When they see how your emotions make you weak

So what's my point?
I run a billion dollar law firm
And I hire four new interns every year
From this class I will select
Four young sharks whom I respect
And those four will have a guaranteed career
Do you follow me?

So I wanna see, what?

[Ensemble:]
Blood in the water

[Callahan:]
Exactly
Let the games begin
Four of you will win
But just those four with a dorsal fin
Yes, blood in the water
So bite and scratch and claw

Yes, Ms, uh?

[Elle:]
Woods, Elle Woods!

[Callahan:]
Someone's had their morning coffee
Would you summarise the case of State of Indiana v Hearn from your reading, please?

[Elle:]
Oh... I wanted to answer the puppy question?

[Callahan:]
But I'm asking you about the assigned reading

[Elle:]
Okay, who assigns reading for the first day of class?

[Callahan:]
You have guts, Ms Woods...
Ms Kensington?
Let us say you teach a class at Harvard Law School
A position that you're justly proud about
But a girl on whom you call hasn't read the case at all
Should you let it go or-

[Vivian Kensington:]
No, I'd throw her out

[Callahan:]
Alright then
You heard your classmate
You have just been killed
She cut your throat so grab your coat
Yes, you've got guts

[Callahan/Ensemble:]
But now they're spilled
Your blood's in the water

[Ensemble:]
Ha ha ha ha

[Callahan:]
So would you please withdraw
And if you return be ready to learn
Or is that unfair? Oh, wait I don't care!
That's just how I rule In life and in school
With fear and shock and awe

You're nothing until

[Ensemble:]
Blood in the water

[Callahan:]
The thrill of the kill

[Ensemble:]
Blood in the water

[Callahan:]
Becomes your only law

[Ensemble:]
Blood in the water

[Callahan:]
Your only law

[Ensemble:]
Blood in the water

[Callahan:]
Your only law

[Ensemble:]
Blood in the water
Blood in the water

[SERENA]
Honey, whatcha cryin' at?
You're not losing him to that
Both her hair and shoes are flat
And why is she so rude?

[MARGOT]
Wipe your tears, it's no big thing
You were meant to wear his ring
Cheer up, chin up
It's time to bring

[MARGOT/SERENA/PILAR]
A happy attitude!

[GREEK Chorus]
Keep it positive

[MARGOT]
As you slap her to the floor

[GREEK Chorus]
Keep it positive

[SERENA]
As you pull her hair and call her "whore!"
[PILAR]
You can take her in a fight

[MARGOT]
You and he will reunite

[GREEK Chorus]
You know we're right
We're positive

(spoken)
Kill her!

[ELLE, spoken]
Girls, girls

(sung)
Violence is never wise
Not the way to win back guys
Anyway, she's twice my size
Who's got a plan B?

[PILAR, spoken]
Uh, me!

(sung)
Look at her, she's like a nun
Show him you are way more fun
Bust out the lap dance, and you've won
You off the hizzle, G!
[ELLE, spoken]
What?

[GREEK Chorus]
Keep it positive

[MARGOT]
Yeah! Let out your inner freak

[GREEK Chorus]
Keep it positive

[PILAR]
Miss Prissy Pants won't last a week

[SERENA]
You will whet his appetite

[MARGOT]
You and he will reunite

[GREEK Chorus]
You know we're right
We're positive
We're positive
We're positive
We're posi—
[ELLE, spoken]
Oh my God, you're making me sick

[VIVIENNE, spoken]
Are we? Warner, let's take this back to my place

[GREEK Chorus]
Hey, hey, hey
Be positive

[PILAR]
That he loves you and...

[GREEK Chorus]
Not her!

[MARGOT]
You're...

[GREEK Chorus]
Hotter!

[PILAR]
And I bet you're...

[GREEK Chorus]
Smarter!

[MARGOT]
She don't know the real him

[PILAR]
You feel him

[SERENA]
So don't let her steal him

[MARGOT]
Wake him up like...

[GREEK Chorus]
Sleeping beauty

[SERENA]
Turn his head with your...

[GREEK Chorus]
Red hot booty
We'll bring the noise if you bring the funk
It's positively time to shake your junk
Shake, shake, shake, shake
Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, woo!
Huh, huh, huh!
Huh, huh, huh!
Huh, huh!

[ELLE, spoken]
Girls, how is this helping?
He's not even here!
He left while we were shaking junk!
Wait...

(sung)
Girls, I'm positive
That we've taken this too far
No, I'm positive
This is Harvard, not a stripper bar
All this trashy carryin' on
That's the reason that he's gone

(spoken)
I need a salon

[GREEK Chorus]
Woo!

[ELLE]
Girls, I'm positive

[GREEK Chorus]
Positive

[ELLE]
Try not to get upset
But I'm positive

[GREEK Chorus]
Positive

[ELLE]
That it's time for me to go brunette

[GREEK Chorus, spoken]
WHAT?!

[ELLE]
Being blonde and being hot
That got me exactly squat
Gotta show him I've got more to give

[GREEK Chorus]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

[ELLE]
No, I'm positive

[GREEK Chorus]
You're positive?

[ELLE]
I'm positive

[GREEK Chorus]
You're positive?

[ELLE]
I'm positive

[GREEK Chorus]
You're positive, really positive?

[ELLE & GREEK Chorus]
Positive

[PAULETTE]
Elle, do you know the number one reason behind all bad hair decisions?
Love!

You're lost without your love
Your heart is on the floor
I can help you, I've been there before
When I need to relax
I just put on some tracks
From this CD I bought for the store

Isn't that relaxin'?
It's called "Celtic Moods"

When I'm lonely or feeling dejected
I play this and it never fails
I pretend like I'm in Ireland
With Enya and the whales
When my telephone gets disconnected
Or I spend every night alone
I pretend like I'm in Ireland
Where the Irish bagpipes drone

Smell the grass as a rainstorm is ending
People smile while I stroll past their farms
With a red headed sailor named Brenden
And we dance without moving our arms

In a bar once I met this guy, Dewey
And he bought me, like, fourteen beers
And he told that he was from Ireland
So I lived with him ten years
If I squinted, he looked like my sailor
Through my boozy, delusional fog
But he dumped me for some slut named Kayla
Took my trailer and took my dog

In Ireland, they know how to love you
You embrace in the misty Irish breeze
And if your Irish boy tires of you
You're allowed to shoot him in the knees

Hey! You look like that poster for Ireland
Long, blonde hair and that sweet, sunny face
Oh, no, wait, that's the poster for Sweden
Oh, screw it! I'll never see either place

But a girl sweet as you has a future
You have hope as each new day dawns
Girls like you always get to see Ireland
Give my love to the leprechauns

[PAULETTE]
Elle, if a girl like you can't win back her man then there is no hope for the rest of us
You go, and you fight for him!

The Irish fear nothing and no one
They keep fighting 'til everyone's dead
I'm not sure where this metaphor's going
I just felt like it had to be said

There's a guy at that party who loves you
Something most of us only dream of
You go out there and you get some Ireland
The country of whiskey and love

[WARNER]
I still can't believe you're here at Harvard
Back at U.C.L.A., I never would have guessed it
Sometimes, I miss the old days

Those parties, senior year, I thought we ruled the world

[ELLE]
You funneled all that beer, I held your head when you hurled

[WARNER]
We were like gods back then, walking among common men
Tell me, why can't it be that way again?

[ELLE]
Dreams don't just disappear
We could keep on dreaming them here

[WARNER]
What?

[ELLE]
Like senior year but funner
You've got your future all planned

[WARNER]
Yes I do, yes I do

[ELLE]
What if I'm standing there too?

[WARNER]
Wait now, I'm not following you

[ELLE]
I'm here 'cause I understand

[WARNER]
Not sure, I understand

[ELLE]
I'm here 'cause I'm serious

[WARNER]
Yeah, right, you look real serious

[EMMETT, spoken]
Whoa, Elle?
What's up... doc?

[ELLE]
Love

[EMMETT, spoken]
Excuse me?

[ELLE]
I put my faith in love
I followed where it led

[EMMETT, spoken]
Love led you here?

[ELLE]
To my personal circle of hell
It has not worked out well
I wish that I were dead
'Cause instead of a wedding and love
I'm flunking out of school
A total laughing stock
Someone he and his friends can just mock
So, go on, here's my head
Just hit it with a rock

[EMMETT, spoken]
Wait, go back

(sung)
You came out here to follow a man?
Harvard Law was just part of that plan?
Man, what rich, romantic planet are you from?

[ELLE, spoken]
Malibu?

[EMMETT]
Instead of lying outside by the pool
You stalk some guy to an Ivy League school
That's the weirdest reason I have—

[ELLE, spoken]
Oh, why'd you come?

[EMMETT, spoken]
Okay

(sung)
I grew up in the Roxbury slums
With my Mom and a series of bums
Guys who showed me all the ways a man can fail
I got through law school by busting my ass
Worked two jobs in addition to class
So forgive me for not weeping at your tale


[ELLE, spoken]
Well, excuse me
Just because you've got some kind of chip on your shoulder

[EMMETT, spoken]
You know what? You're right

(sung)
There's a chip on my shoulder
And it's big as a boulder
With the chance I've been given
I'm gonna be driven as hell
I'm so close I can taste it
So I'm not gonna waste it
Yeah, there's a chip on my shoulder
You might wanna get one as well

[ELLE, spoken]
I'm sorry, but that sounds highly negative
Wait! Two jobs, plus law school?
How do you do it?

[EMMETT]
Well, I don't go to parties a lot
Not good use of the time that I've got
Can't spend hours doing my hair and staying in shape


[ELLE, spoken]
I don't spend hours!

[EMMETT]
But I know it'll all be worthwhile
When I win my first lucrative trial
And buy my Mom that great big house out on the cape

[ELLE, spoken]
Oh, that's so sweet!

[EMMETT]
No, that's the chip on my shoulder
I hugged my Mom and told her
With the chance I've been given
I'm gonna be driven as hell
Though I can't take the day off
I just think of the payoff
You need a chip on your shoulder
Little Miss Woods comma Elle

[ELLE, spoken]
I just need to prove to everyone that I'm serious

[EMMETT, spoken]
What you need is to get to work
Where are your law books?

[ELLE, spoken]
Um, well, I know they're here somewhere

[EMMETT]
You know, this vanity's real picturesque
But it started its life as a desk
Clear it off and find some room for books instead

[ELLE, spoken]
What are you doing?

[EMMETT]
Can you live without this?
Can you live without that?
I don't know what this is

[ELLE, spoken]
It's for hair

[EMMETT, spoken]
Wear a hat!

(sung)
Spend some time improving what's inside your head
Out, out, put it in storage
Sell it on eBay, leave it behind
Out, out, what, are you angry?
Good, so get angry, you may find
The chip on your shoulder

[ELLE, spoken]
Ugh!

[EMMETT]
The room just got colder

[ELLE, spoken]
Hey!

[EMMETT]
But with the chance you've been given
Why are you not driven as hell?
There's just no way around it
You've gotta plough through 'til you—

[ELLE, spoken]
Found it!

[EMMETT]
Been reading it hard, I can tell

[GREEK Chorus]
'Tis a gift to be simple, 'tis a gift to be free
Mmm...

[ELLE, spoken]
Bye, Warner! Have a great Thanksgiving
Say hi to your Mom and Dad for me
And Grandma Bootsie

[EMMETT, spoken]
Define 'malum prohibitum'

[ELLE, spoken]
Malum prohibitum is, um...

[EMMETT, spoken]
An act prohib--

[ELLE, spoken]
An act prohibited by law
Like jaywalking or chewing gum in Singapore

[EMMETT, spoken]
Therefore 'malum in se'...

[ELLE, spoken]
Is an action that's evil in itself
Assault, murder, white shoes after Labor Day

[EMMETT, spoken]
Good. Where are you going?

[ELLE, spoken]
Home, of course. It's Thanksgiving break, remember?

[EMMETT, spoken]
Interesting...

[ELLE, spoken]
What?

[EMMETT]
Well, I predict you will probably pass

[ELLE, spoken]
Yes!

[EMMETT]
In the bottom percent of your class

[ELLE, spoken]
What?

[EMMETT]
If you're going for mediocre, you've done great

[ELLE, spoken]
That's not fair

[EMMETT]
Look, they laughed at me like they're laughing at you
We can't win if we don't follow through
Might I venture your vacation plans can wait?

[ELLE, spoken]
Why do you always have to be right?

[GREEK Chorus]
Gloria
In excelsis deo

[ELLE, spoken]
Bye, Warner! Merry Christmas! Enjoy Vale!

[EMMETT, spoken]
Ho, ho, ho!

[ELLE, spoken]
Emmett!

[EMMETT, spoken]
For you. Not as good as going home for Christmas, but...

[ELLE, spoken]
You are too sweet

[EMMETT, spoken]
It's a real time saver: shampoo and conditioner in one!

[ELLE, spoken]
Thank you, you are so adorable to think of me

[WARNER, spoken]
Elle, hey!

[ELLE, spoken]
Warner

[WARNER, spoken]
Have you seen Vivienne? I've been looking for her everywhere

[ELLE, spoken]
Yeah... I mean, no...

[WARNER, spoken]
Great, we're gonna miss our flight

[EMMETT, spoken]
Um, Elle?

(sung)
I don't know if you've noticed before
But each time Warner walks through the door
Your IQ goes down to forty, maybe less

[ELLE, spoken]
Huh?

[EMMETT]
Though it's hardly my business to say
Could it be the real thing in your way
Is the very guy you're trying to impress?

[ELLE, spoken]
...Yes!

[ELLE, with GREEK CHORUS]
I've been smiling and sweet
And thoroughly beaten, blowing my chance
Let's not chase him away
Let's face him and say, "Hey, punk, let's dance!"
This chip on my shoulder
Makes me smarter and bolder
No more whining or blaming
I am reclaiming my pride
Grab that book and let's do this
Instead of doodling hearts all through this

[ELLE (GREEK Chorus)]
Now there's a chip on my shoulder (Chip on my shoulder)
Let's see him knock it aside

[GREEK Chorus]
Ah...
Daughter of Delta Nu, show 'em that you're no fool
Daughter of Delta Nu
Go back to school with a big chip on your shoulder

[WARNER, spoken]
Mr. Latimer was clearly within his rights to ask for visitation
Without his sperm, the child in question wouldn't exist

[CALLAHAN, spoken]
Now you're thinking like a lawyer
Yes, Ms. Woods?

[ELLE, spoken]
Mr. Huntington makes an excellent point
But, did the defendant keep a log of every sperm emission made throughout his life?

[CALLAHAN, spoken]
Interesting, why do you ask?

[ELLE, spoken]
Well, unless the defendant attempted to contact every sexual encounter to find if a child resulted from those unions, he has no parental claim over this child whatsoever
Why now? Why this sperm?

[CALLAHAN, spoken]
I see your point

[ELLE, spoken]
And, by Mr. Huntington's standard, all masturbatory emissions where the sperm was clearly not seeking an egg could be called...reckless abandonment

[CALLAHAN, spoken]
Ms. Woods, you just won your case

[ELLE]
Oh my god...

[GREEK Chorus]
Wait, hold on! We just won the case

[ELLE & EMMETT]
Oh my god...

[GREEK Chorus]
Elle got all up in Warner's face

[ELLE/EMMETT/STUDENTS]
Oh my god!

[GREEK Chorus]
I am starting to like this place!

[AARON]
Oh my god...

[ENID]
Oh my god...

[WARNER]
Holy crap!

[VIVIENNE]
Oh my god!

[ALL]
Oh my g—

[CALLAHAN, spoken]
Ms. Woods, excellent work today
I assume you're applying for my internship
Do you have a resumé?

[ELLE, spoken]
I'm one step ahead of you
Here you go, and thanks in advance for your consideration

[CALLAHAN, spoken]
Dear God, it's scented
Three months ago I would've recycled this
Make sure to put it on file

[EMMETT]
Guess she got a chip on her shoulder
Maybe some wise man told her
With the chance we've been given
We've gotta be driven as hell
She was something to see there
I'm just happy I could be there
First big test and she aced it
She's so close she can taste it
She's got a chip on her shoulder
Guess you never can tell
With little Miss Woods comma Elle

[MARGOT/SERENA/PILAR (GREEK Chorus)]
Elle Woods, Woods comma Elle (Chip on her shoulder)
Elle Woods, Woods comma Elle (Chip on her shoulder)

[EMMETT]
You never can tell

[MARGOT/SERENA/PILAR (GREEK Chorus)]
Elle Woods, Woods comma Elle (Chip on her shoulder)

[EMMETT & GREEK Chorus]
With little Miss Woods comma Elle

[ELLE]
All of this time I planned
I'd be patient and you would love me again
You'd come to respect my mind
And at last you'd find you could love me again
And I have turned my whole world upside down
Trying not to let you go
Watching you walk away is like a fatal blow

Whoa!

Is that my name up on that list?
Does someone know that I exist?
Is this a mistake?
Am I even awake?
Pinch me now to make sure

Ow!
Yes, that's my name in black and white!
Maybe I'm doing something right!
Wow, I feel so much better than before!

Warner!
Sorry I've been a pest
But I guess my best
Was not working with you
Looks like I've found a cure
And I so look forward to
Working with you

[WARNER]
What?
Working with who?

[ELLE]
Hey, remember when we spent Spring Break
In the hot tub ev'ry night

[STUDENTS]
Ev'ry night!

[ELLE]
We said nothing else could ever
Feel so right?
Well, this might!

[STUDENTS]
Snap!

[ELLE]
Seeing my name up on that list

[ENSEMBLE]
Ooh, on that list

[ELLE]
That beats the first time that we kissed


[ENSEMBLE]
Ooh, whoa: they kissed?

[ELLE]
You thought I was dumb?
But I think that some-
Body's judgement was poor!

[ELLE, STUDENTS]
Seein' my name in black and white Seein' that name in black and white
It's like making love with you all night
No, wait!
It feels so much better! So much better?
Hello, much better! Oh? Much better?
It's oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Much better

'Cause I am so much better Ha ha so much better!
Than before!

[STUDENTS]
Guess she's so much better than before...
Yes, she's so much better than before

[ELLE]
Maybe she's what you prefer
But, hey, last year I was her
Maybe you will change your mind
But you might look up to find
I've gone on to better things
Better jobs or bigger rings
I don't have the time to cry
I'm too busy loving


[ELLE/GREEK Chorus]
My name up on that list
Kind of a cool, ironic twist

[ELLE]
Who else can I tell?
Oh, where's my cell
Mom will fall on the floor

[ELLE/GREEK Chorus]
Hey Mom!
Look at my name in black and white

[ELLE]
Your daughter's doing something right

[GREEK Chorus]
Something right

[ELLE/GREEK Chorus]
I feel so much better
I'll be there on Monday, nine o'clock
Then we will see who walks the walk

[ELLE]
No, no, I can't wait!
I will be there at eight
When they unlock the door

[ELLE/GREEK Chorus]
Oh, oh!
I'll even dress in black and white
See, I have not begun to fight

[ELLE]
And you'll go

[GREEK Chorus]
OH!

[ELLE]
Much better

[GREEK Chorus]
Hello!

[ELLE]
Much better

[ELLE/GREEK Chorus]
And soon all y'all gonna know much better

[ELLE]
That I am so much better

[GREEK Chorus]
I am so much better

[ELLE]
I am so much better

[GREEK CHORUS]
I am so much

[ELLE/GREEK Chorus]
I am so much better

[ELLE]
Than before!

[BROOKE, spoken]
Hi, I'm Brooke Wyndham and welcome back
To the Wyndham Workout Disk Two Challenge
And our daily commitment to being the best that we can be

[ENSEMBLE, spoken]
YEAH!

[BROOKE, spoken]
So grab your Cardiowhip 5000
'Cause if you wanna get ripped, you gotta get whipped

(sung)
Do you want an easy miracle?
Do you wanna lose a pound or two?
Then you can turn this off right now
My workout's not for you
I'm talking to the woman who wants it all
Gotta pay for what you get
'Cause size two clothes don't come to those
Too lazy to sweat

[BROOKE]
I want you whipped into shape
When I say jump, say "How high?"
You know you're doing it right
When you start to cry
If you don't look like you should
You've got to whip it, whip it
Whip it good
I'm sorry, ladies, no escape
Till you're whipped into shape
[ENSEMBLE]
Whipped into shape

[BROOKE, spoken]
Come on, Sabrina, you heifer!
Work it out!

[ENSEMBLE]
Whipped into shape

[SABRINA, spoken]
I hate you, Brooke
And I love you for it

[ENSEMBLE]
Whipped into sh—

[ENID, spoken]
Hey, why'd you pause it?

[CALLAHAN, spoken]
We have a lot to cover

(sung)
Meet our brand new client, Brooke
You can laugh, but she's made tons
Off her DVDs and book
"Whip Your Way to Tighter Buns"
Happily married, so she swears
To her sixty-year-old stud
Till stepdaughter came downstairs
And found Brooke all covered in his blood
If Brooke took a plea, I'd have her out in 3 to 4
But she claims she did not kill him

[WARNER, spoken]
Did she?

[CALLAHAN, spoken]
Let's watch some more

[BROOKE]
But it's more than just a workout
It's a defensive weapon too
Simply wrap it 'round your assailant's neck
And pull till he turns blue
You can also use the patented handle grip
To shatter your attacker's spine
And all for three small payments of

[ENSEMBLE]
Nineteen-ninety-nine!

[BROOKE]
You'll have him whipped into shape
When you get grief from a guy
Just work him over with this
Till he starts to cry
If he don't act like he should
You've got to whip it, whip it
Whip it good
It gets you out of any scrape
It gets you whipped into shape
(spoken)
Come on, people!

[ENSEMBLE]
Whipped into shape

[BROOKE, spoken]
What does not kill us makes us hotter!

[CALLAHAN, spoken]
Hands, who thinks she's guilty?

(sung)
Okay, now here is where you kids come in
Brooke has trouble trusting me
I'm her only chance to win
But I don't speak MTV
Though Brooke won't help her own defense
She may listen to her peers
Go and place a little sense
In the space between her ears

[ELLE, spoken]
I'm a Delta—

[CALLAHAN, spoken]
Not now

(sung)
I want her whipped into shape
If there's a brain in that hair
Tell it that I am the key
It's a plea, or the chair
See, when I talk to her
I get neither plea nor plan nor alibi
To quote from our defendant's tape
I want her whipped into shape

(spoken)
To the jail!

[BROOKE, spoken]
Ladies, just because we're at Boston Women's Correctional Facility
Does not mean we can't become the best that we can be
Here we go!

Circle, circle, under, over, through, around
Again! Good!
Circle, circle, under, over, through, around
Alright, ladies, we can't break out of here
But we sure can break a sweat
Left, right! Left, right!
Good!

[BROOKE/ENSEMBLE]
Left, right, left, right, left, right!

[BROOKE, spoken]
Work it out!

[ENSEMBLE]
I want you whipped into shape
When I say jump, say "How high?"
You know you're doing it right
When you start to cry
If you don't look like you should

[BROOKE]
You've got to

[ENSEMBLE]
Whip it, whip it
Whip it good

[BROOKE]
Like prison, ladies, no escape
Till you're whipped into shape

[ENSEMBLE]
Whip it
Whip it

[BROOKE]
Whipped into shape

[ENSEMBLE]
Whip it
Whip it

[BROOKE]
Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it through
Jack it up, double jump

[ENSEMBLE]
Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it through
Jack it up, double jump

[BROOKE, spoken]
That's right! You've got it!

[BROOKE/ENSEMBLE]
Whip it, whip it, whip it
Get whipped into shape!

[EMMETT]
What is this place?

[ELLE]
It's called... a department store

[EMMETT]
It's... it's beautiful

[ELLE]
Shhh
First, a deep breath
Take it all in
Feel all those halogens warming your skin
Smell how they pump in pure oxygen
See, they care

[SALES ASSISTANT]
'Love'?

[EMMETT]
Excuse me?

[SALES ASSISTANT]
'Love'. It's the new fragrance from Chanel

[EMMETT]
Oh, no, thank you

[ELLE]
I know you're scared
Nevertheless, think of the people you want to impress
Swallow your pride for me
Just nod "yes"
And prepare 'cause something's in the air

[EMMETT]
I think it's 'Love'

[ELLE]
Exactly!
Here you'll become what you're supposed to be
You think you can't, but you can
Think of the guy you want most to be
Here's your chance to make it
So take it like a man

[EMMETT]
What does she want?
Not really sure
Why can't we leave things the way that they were?
Why can I never say "no" to her?
What's that smell?


[SALES ASSISTANT]
'Subtext' by Calvin Klein

[EMMETT]
That I don't like
That's kinda neat
Guys who wear that get beat up on my street
Still, I've come this far
I can't retreat in my shell
I'm in the hands of Elle
What the hell!

[EMMETT/ELLE]
Here you'll become what you're supposed to be

[ENSEMBLE]
Supposed to be

[EMMETT/ELLE]
You think you can't, but you can

[ENSEMBLE]
Yes, you can

[EMMETT/ELLE with ENSEMBLE]
Think of the guy you want most to be
Here's your chance to make it


[EMMETT/ELLE]
So take it like a man

[ENSEMBLE]
Take it like a man

[ELLE]
God, I love shopping for guys

[EMMETT]
Okay, this is strange

[ELLE]
Watching them change right before your eyes

[EMMETT]
Don't watch me change!

[ELLE]
Look at him striking a pose
His confidence grows

[ELLE/ENSEMBLE]
He'll bloom like a rose

[EMMETT]
It's just clothes!

[ELLE]
God, I love shopping for men

[EMMETT]
Okay, this is nice

[ELLE]
They walk in a two, they walk out a ten

[EMMETT]
Is this the price?!

[ELLE]
Don't worry, this is my treat
There's someone I'd like you to meet

[ELLE/EMMETT]
Whoa

[EMMETT, spoken]
I look like Warner

[ELLE, spoken]
Yeah

[EMMETT, spoken]
But it's just me

[ELLE, sung]
That's the best part
The outside is new
But now it reflects what's already in you
Couldn't change that if I wanted to
And I do not

[EMMETT, spoken]
Thank you

[ELLE]
No, thank you
This is no gift
It's payment in kind
'Cause you saw beyond all the blonde to my mind
Oh, you have to buy it
What, are you blind?
You look hot!
Is he not hot?

[ENSEMBLE]
He's hot, hot, hot, hot

[ELLE/EMMETT/ENSEMBLE]
Here you'll become what you're supposed to be
You think you can't, but you can
Think of the guy you want most to be

[EMMETT]
Not quite the guy I'd have chose to be
But when she's standing so close to me
I think I like her plan

[ELLE]
Here's your chance to make it

[EMMETT/ENSEMBLE]
A chance to make it

[ELLE]
So take it like

[EMMETT/ENSEMBLE]
So take it like

[ELLE, ENSEMBLE]
A man! A man!

[EMMETT, ENSEMBLE]
A man? Amen!

[ELLE, ENSEMBLE]
A man! A man!

[EMMETT, ENSEMBLE]
A man... Amen!

[ELLE, ENSEMBLE]
A man! A man!

[EMMETT, ENSEMBLE]
A man! Amen!

[ELLE/EMMETT/ENSEMBLE]
A man!

[SERENA]
Look at my ass, look at my thighs
I'm catnip to the guys
They chase my tail, they drool and pant
Wanna touch this, but they can't

[MARGOT/PILAR]
No!

[SERENA]
All the boys wanna come and play
Snap my fingers and they obey
Why do they follow me 'round all day?
Watch me while I walk away

[SERENA/MARGOT/PILAR]
I bend and snap

[SERENA]
Feel how hot it's getting

[SERENA/MARGOT/PILAR]
Bend and snap

[SERENA]
Then when you got 'em sweating
See pop shows near Palm Desert

[SERENA/MARGOT/PILAR]
Spring the trap
They cheer and clap

[SERENA]
No tight end can defend
Against the bend and snap

[PAULETTE]
Oh, that's easy for you to say

[MARGOT]
And you!
Girl, if you wanna make the team
Fake some self-esteem

[PILAR]
The more you jump around and scream
The sexier you seem

[PAULETTE]
Sorry girls, that ain't how I play
This wouldn't work if I tried all day
I gotta go get my asthma spray
Watch me while I walk away


[MARGOT]
No, wait, before you walk away
Just

[SERENA/MARGOT/PILAR]
Bend and snap

[PAULETTE]
Ow!

[MARGOT]
Look how good you're getting!

[SERENA/MARGOT/PILAR]
Bend and snap

[PILAR]
I bet right now you're sweating

[SERENA/MARGOT/PILAR]
Spring the trap
They cheer and clap

[SERENA]
So depend on your friend
Called the bend


[ELLE]
It's not the time to overthink
Just try it once, he'll buy you a drink

[CUSTOMER]
Excuse me, would you teach me that?
I'm tired of living alone with my cat

[ELLE]
Sure!

[HAIR DRESSER]
Nowadays I do dye jobs and curls
But here's how we did it in The Laker Girls

[SERENA]
Look, do it and we'll go away

[PAULETTE]
Okay, okay, okay, okay!

[SERENA/MARGOT/PILAR]
Beeeeeeeend
And snap!

[GUYS]
DAAAMN!

[PAULETTE]
Hey, wait a second
When I beckoned
Look how the guys came running
Like I'm

[GUYS]
Kickin'

[PAULETTE]
Finger

[GUYS]
Lickin'

[PAULETTE]
Like I'm freaking

[PAULETTE/GUYS]
Wicked stunning

[PAULETTE]
Will you bake me cake and pie?

[GUYS]
Yes

[PAULETTE]
And pay for stuff I buy?

[GUYS]
Yes

[PAULETTE]
And hold me when I cry?

[GUYS]
Yes

[PAULETTE/GUYS]
And I will tell you why

[ENSEMBLE]
Why?

[PAULETTE]
I'm too rocking to lock away
All the boys come and gawk away
Dropping jaws from a block away
Watching while I walk away

[GUYS]
Love to watch her walk away

[PAULETTE/ENSEMBLE]
Bend and snap

[PAULETTE]
Now look how hot it's getting

[ENSEMBLE]
Bend and snap

[PAULETTE]
I bet right now you're sweating

[ENSEMBLE]
Spring the trap, they cheer and clap

[PAULETTE]
I depend on my friend

[ENSEMBLE]
Go Paulette!
Go Paulette!

[PAULETTE]
I depend on my friend

[ENSEMBLE]
Go, go, go Paulette!

[PAULETTE]
I depend on my friend
Called

[PAULETTE/ENSEMBLE]
The bend and snap

[ENSEMBLE]
Bend and snap

[PAULETTE]
I'm gonna bend with style
I'm gonna get me some Kyle!

[KYLE]
Paulette, did I leave my stylus?

[ENSEMBLE]
Aaaaand snap!

[PAULETTE]
Oh, crap!

[ELLE]
There! Right there!
Look at that tanned, well tended skin
Look at the killer shape he's in
Look at that slightly stubbly chin
Oh, please, he's gay
Totally gay!

[CALLAHAN]
I'm not about to celebrate
Every trait could indicate
A totally straight expatriate
This guy's not gay
I say not gay

[CALLAHAN, ELLE, WARNER, VIVIENNE, BROOKE AND ENID]
That is the elephant in the room
Well, is it relevant to assume
That a man who wears perfume
Is automatically, radically fae?

[EMMETT]
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks

[ELLE]
Look at his silk translucent socks
[CALLAHAN]
There's the eternal paradox
Look what we're seein'

[VIVIENNE]
What are we seein'?

[CALLAHAN]
Is he gay?

[ELLE]
Of course he's gay!

[CALLAHAN]
Or European?

[CALLAHAN, ELLE, WARNER, VIVIENNE, BROOKE AND ENID]
Ohhhh
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?

[WARNER]
Well, hey, don't look at me!

[VIVIENNE]
You see they bring their boys up different
In those charming foreign ports
They play peculiar sports
[CALLAHAN, ELLE, WARNER, VIVIENNE, BROOKE AND ENID]
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks
They both say things like "Ciao, Bella"
While they kiss you on both cheeks

[ELLE]
Oh, please

[CALLAHAN, ELLE, WARNER, VIVIENNE, BROOKE AND ENID]
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray

[WARNER]
Depending on the time of day
The French go either way

[CALLAHAN, ELLE, WARNER, VIVIENNE, BROOKE AND ENID]
Is he gay or European, or--?

[ENID]
There, right there!
Look at that condescending smirk
Seen it on every guy at work
That is a metro, hetero jerk
That guy's not gay, I say, no way
[CALLAHAN, ELLE, WARNER, VIVIENNE, BROOKE AND ENID]
That is the elephant in the room
Well is it relevant to presume
That a hottie in that costume

[VIVIENNE]
Is automatically, radically

[CALLAHAN]
Ironically, chronically

[ENID]
Certainly, flirtingly

[WARNER]
Genetically, medically

[CALLAHAN, ELLE, WARNER, VIVIENNE, BROOKE AND ENID]
Gay, offically gay
Swishily gay, gay, gay, gay...
Damn it!
Gay or European?

[CALLAHAN]
So stylish and relaxed

[CALLAHAN, ELLE, WARNER, VIVIENNE, BROOKE AND ENID]
Is he gay or European?

[CALLAHAN]
I think his chest is waxed

[VIVIENNE]
But they bring their boys up different there
It's culturally diverse
It's not a fashion curse

[CALLAHAN, ELLE, WARNER, VIVIENNE, BROOKE AND ENID]
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code

[BROOKE]
Yeah, his accent is hypnotic
But his shoes are pointy toed

[CALLAHAN, ELLE, WARNER, VIVIENNE, BROOKE AND ENID]
Huh
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray

[JUDGE]
But if he turns out straight
I'm free at eight on Saturday

[CALLAHAN, ELLE, WARNER, VIVIENNE, BROOKE AND ENID]
Is he gay or European?
Gay or European?
Gay or Euro--

[EMMETT]
Wait a minute
Give me a chance to crack this guy
I have an idea I'd like to try

[CALLAHAN]
The floor is yours

[EMMETT]
So, Mr Argitakos
This alleged affair with Ms. Wyndham has been going on for...?

[NIKOS]
Two years

[EMMETT]
And your first name again is...?

[NIKOS]
Nikos

[EMMETT]
And your boyfriend's name is...?

[NIKOS]
Carlos
I-I, sorry!
I misunderstand!
You say "boyfriend"
I thought you say "best friend"
Carlos is my best friend

[CARLOS]
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it, I no cover for you no more!
Peoples, I have a big announcement
This man is gay and European!

[ENSEMBLE]
Whoa!

[CARLOS]
And neither is disgrace
You gotta stop your bein'
A completely closet case
It's me, not her he's seein'
No matter what he say
I swear he never, ever, ever swing the other way
You are so gay, you big parfait
You flaming one man cabaret

[NIKOS]
I'm straight!

[CARLOS]
You were not yesterday
So if I may, I'm proud to say
He's gay!

[ENSEMBLE]
And European!

[CARLOS]
He's gay!

[ENSEMBLE]
And European!

[CARLOS]
He's gay!

[ENSEMBLE]
And European
And gay

[NIKOS]
Fine, okay, I'm gay!

[CARLOS/ENSEMBLE]
Hooray!

[ELLE]
Take back the books and pack up the clothes
Clear out the room and drop off the key
Leave with what's left of my dignity
Get in the car and just go
Chalk it all up to experience
They said I'd fail but I disagreed
Who could say then where my path would lead
Well now I know

Back to the sun
Back to the shore
Back to what I was before
Back where I'm known
Back in my own very small pond
Laugh with my friends when I arrive
We'll drop the top and just drive
That's fine with me
Just let me be legally blonde

Thanks for your help and for all you've done
Thank you for treating me decently

[EMMETT]
What's wrong?
[ELLE]
Maybe some day you can visit me
Give me a call, say "hello"

[EMMETT]
Wait, where are you going?

[ELLE]
Sorry I'm letting down everyone

[EMMETT]
What brought on this?

[ELLE]
You did your best with a hopeless case

[EMMETT]
That's ludicrous

[ELLE/EMMETT]
You are the best thing about this place

[EMMETT]
Elle, you should know...

[ELLE]
Callahan hit on me
[EMMETT]
He what?

[ELLE]
He kissed me, he fired me
There's no reason for me to stay

[EMMETT]
What about love?
I never mentioned love
The timing's bad, I know
But perhaps if I'd made it more clear
That you belong right here
You wouldn't have to go
'Cause you'd know that I'm so much in love

[ELLE]
Back to the sun
Back to the shore
Back to what I was before

[EMMETT]
Please will you open the door

[ELLE]
Lie on the beach
Dream within reach
Don't stray beyond
[EMMETT]
We both know you're worth so much more

[ELLE]
Some girls fight hard
Some face the trial
Some girls were just meant to smile

[EMMETT]
If you can hear
Can I just say how much I want you to stay

[ELLE]
It's not up to me
Just let me be
Legally blonde

[EMMETT]
I need you to stay

[ELLE]
It's not up to me
Just let me be
Legally blonde

[VIVIENNE, spoken]
Maybe Warner saw a blonde who was sleeping her way to the top
But I see a woman who doesn't have to

(sung)
I used to pray for the day you'd leave
Swore up and down you did not belong
But when I'm wrong, then I say I'm wrong
And I was wrong about you
So listen up!
I see no end to what you'll achieve
That's only if you don't turn and run
You've proved it to me
Now show everyone what you can do

[VIVIENNE & ENID]
And you look great in dark blue

[VIVIENNE]
Get back in the game
Back on the case
Take a good look at my face
I'm not a fool and as a rule
I do not bond

[ENSEMBLE]
Never known her to bond
[VIVIENNE (ENSEMBLE)]
But I see a star (Ooh, sha-la-la)
You're my new muse (Ooh, sha-la-la)
You've got the best freaking shoes (Ooh, sha-la-la, ooh)

[VIVIENNE & ENSEMBLE]
And you lit a fuse
So go show them who's

[VIVIENNE (ENSEMBLE)]
Legally blonde (Sha-la-la-la-la-la)

[VIVIENNE & ENSEMBLE]
Yes, you lit a fuse
So go show them who's
Legally—

[ELLE, spoken]
Sorry, Vivienne
I'm never wearing that again

[PAULETTE, spoken]
Um, honey
You're in the supply closet

[ELLE, spoken]
I know!
I said I'm never wearing that again
I'm wearing this!
(sung)
Back in the game

[ENSEMBLE]
Yes!

[ELLE]
Back to the trial

[ENSEMBLE]
Yes!

[ELLE]
But I'm going back in my style

[ENSEMBLE]
Back in her style

[ELLE]
Girls, it's a fact

[ENSEMBLE]
Yes!

[ELLE]
When you're attacked
[ENSEMBLE]
Yes!

[ELLE]
You've got to respond

[ENSEMBLE]
Got to, got to, got to, got to respond

[ELLE]
Hand me my dog

[ENSEMBLE]
Dog!

[ELLE]
Hand me my bag

[ENSEMBLE]
Bag!

[ELLE]
And that American flag

[ENSEMBLE]
Proud to be American

[ELLE]
'Cause nobody screws

[ENSEMBLE]
No!

[ELLE]
With somebody who's

[ENSEMBLE]
Who?

[ELLE]
Legally blonde

[ENSEMBLE]
Get on your feet, 'cause she's legally blonde
Take to the street, 'cause she's legally blonde
There's no retreat when you're legally blonde, yeah!
Don't be afraid to be legally blonde
Join the parade 'cause she's—

[MOM, spoken]
Honey, look! She's leading a parade!

[ELLE, spoken]
Mom and Dad?

[MOM, spoken]
Get a picture!

[DAD]
Just one more, please, 'cause she's...

[ENSEMBLE]
Legally blonde

[DAD, spoken]
Everyone say "cheese!"

[MOM, spoken]
No, say "legally blonde!"

[ENSEMBLE, spoken]
Legally blonde!

(sung)
'Cause she's legally blonde
'Cause she's legally blonde
Yeah, she's legally blonde

[MARGOT/SERENA/PILAR, spoken]
Oh my god, Elle!

[ELLE, spoken]
Thanks, Greek Chorus, but I don't need voices in my head today

[MARGOT/SERENA/PILAR, spoken]
Honey, it's us, the girls of Delta Nu!

(sung)
We came to see
Our president be
Legally blonde

[ENSEMBLE]
Jump on your feet, 'cause she's legally blonde
You've got a right to be legally blonde
You've gotta fight to be legally blonde, yeah!

[KYLE, spoken]
Paulette, I've got another package

[PAULETTE, spoken]
Thanks! "Kyle B. O'Boyle"
Hey, what does the 'B' stand for?

[KYLE, spoken]
Brendan

[ENSEMBLE]
Ho!
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Hey!
Back in the game
Back in the fray

[ENID]
Back the hell out of her way

[ENSEMBLE]
Out of her way

[BROOKE]
Mister, you're fired

[CALLAHAN, spoken]
What?

[BROOKE]
Guess who I hired

[CALLAHAN/ENSEMBLE, spoken]
Who?

[BROOKE]
To represent me
You've gotta be...

[ENSEMBLE]
Yeah, you gotta be
Yeah, you gotta be
Indubitably...

[VIVIENNE]
Legally blonde

[ENSEMBLE]
Yeah, she's legally blonde, oh, yeah

[VIVIENNE]
Legally blonde

[ENSEMBLE]
Yeah, she's legally blonde, oh, yeah

[VIVIENNE]
Legally blonde

[ENSEMBLE]
Legally blonde, oh, yeah!

[ELLE]
Though I dreamed of this day long ago
Now my answer is thank you, but no
Look, I've barely begun, I'm hardly through
I was living in ignorant bliss
'Til I learned I could be more than this
And, you know, in a way I owe it all to you

I thought losing your love was a blow I could never withstand
But look how far I have come without anyone holding my hand
I had to find my way

The day you broke my heart
You handed me the chance
To make a brand new start
You helped me find my way
There's still so much to learn
So many dreams to earn
But even if I crash and burn ten times a day
I think I'm here to stay
I'm gonna find my way

[VIVIENNE]
William Shakespeare wrote:
"To thine ownself be true
And it must follow, as the night the day
Thou canst not then be false to any man"
I believe this wise statement best applies to a woman
A blonde woman
Over the past three years she taught me and showed us all that being true to yourself never goes out of style
Ladies and gentlemen, our valedictorian: Elle Woods!
[ELLE]
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of two--

[PAULETTE]
Here's the part where she gives her big speech
We're so proud but Elle's not one to preach
So she said we could play "Where Are They Now?"
Here we go!
Enid practices family law
Vivienne's training for the Peace Corps
Warner quit, said he makes more modelling anyhow

Callahan ran for governor but was defeated, of course
And his wife hired Emmett to handle their messy divorce

And me?
I think I'll find my way
And hey, I married Kyle
And now we have two kids and one more on the way!
And we live out in Worcester
I bought a new salon, we also feature dog grooming
Here, take a couple cards--
Oops, sorry, back to Elle

[ELLE]
I thank you, one and all
The ones who thought I'd fall
Who taught me how to fail
Who helped me to prevail
I'm standing here today
'Cause you helped me find my way
Oh, and if you could give me one second before we all go
Emmett Forrest, please make me the happiest woman I know

[EMMETT]
Oh my, oh my, oh my God!

[ENSEMBLE]
Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my

[EMMETT]
Oh my God!

[ENSEMBLE]
Omigod, omigod, you guys
Granted not a complete surprise
But if there ever was a perfect couple
This one qualifies!

[ELLE/EMMETT]
And now I've found my love

[ENSEMBLE]
My God!

[ELLE/EMMETT]
I've found my way to love
[ENSEMBLE]
You guys!

[ELLE/EMMETT]
I've finally found my prize!

[ENSEMBLE]
If there ever was a perfect couple
This one qualifies
'Cause we love you guys!

[ELLE & EMMETT]
No, we love you guys!

[ENSEMBLE]
Omigod

[ELLE & EMMETT]
Omigod

[ALL]
Omigod...
You guys!
Omigod!

Kyle the Magnificent

[KYLE]
I've got a package
The name's Kyle
This is my new route and the first stop of the day
Kinda cool karma, huh?
Do me a favor, have yourself a super day