[ Featuring Josh Gad ]
[DOUG as NARRATOR, spoken]
Act One, Scene One: Schlimmer, Germany. A German town full of German things, like sausages and short pants. Gutenberg walks down the dirt streets of this medieval 'berg and encounters a woman and her daughter on the way to market. They're carrying kraut--saur kraut
[BUD as WOMAN, spoken]
Good morning, Mr. Gutenberg
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Ha-ha-ha, call me Johann! Johann Gutenberg
[BUD as DAUGHTER, spoken]
Hello, Mr. Butengerg!
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
It's Gutenberg. How are you today, little girl?
[BUD as DAUGHTER, spoken]
As happy as I can be... considering I can't read
[DOUG as NARRATOR, spoken]
Another woman throws open her shutters to greet the morning
She dumps her stinky chamber pot
And suddenly, the town of Schlimmer is alive
Not alive like a monster
But alive like a town!
[BUD as WOMAN]
It's nice to live in Medieval Germany
In the beautiful town of Schlimmer!
We all get along in perfect harmony!
[DOUG as BEEF-FAT TRIMMER]
I'm a beef fat trimmer!
[BUD as WOMAN]
Hi!
[DOUG as BEEF-FAT TRIMMER]
The beef comes in all white with fat
It leaves a good bit slimmer
[BOTH as DRUNKS]
We're just drunks comin' home from the bar
In the beautiful town of Schlimmer!
[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
Hey, Gutenberg, got any wine?
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
You're the wine presser! Tell us where the wine is!
[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
Yeah, is it over 'ere?
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
It's not over 'ere!
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Hey, guys, my wine isn't the answer to all of your problems!
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
[laughs] yes it is!
[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
Yeah, drinking your wine is the only thing that makes our horrible lives worth living!
[BOTH as DRUNKS]
Gutenberg!
Darn tootin'-berg
He's the back chap around
Well, at least in this town
Sure as shootin'-berg
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Call me Johan!
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
Oh, that Gutenberg
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
I prefer Johann...
[BUD as BOOT-BLACK]
Gutenberg...
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Hey, it's the boot-black!
[BUD as BOOT-BLACK]
Shine your Boot-enberg?
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Well, sure, boot-black!
[BUD as BOOT-BLACK]
You're a man in your prime, making friends all the time, no refutin-berg! (spoken) Ten dockets!
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Hey, hey! Okay, fellas, I gotta be getting back to my wine press shop, don't you have anything better to do?
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
No!
[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
Yeah, It's not like we can read!
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
Hey, you can't read!
[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
You can't read!
[BUD as DRUNK #2, spoken]
You can't read!
[DOUG as DRUNK #1, spoken]
You can't read!
[DOUG as GUTENBERG, spoken]
Woah, woah now--hey, hey, guys, guys! Don't fight! Why don't I buy you a flower from that adorable little flower girl?
[BUD as FLOWER GIRL]
Here's a pretty posey, it's the first one of the spring
I stole it from a Jew!
My heart is full of hate, and I don't know anything
'Cause yes, I'm illiterate too!
[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
Ooh, Schlimmer
My lovely Schlimmer
You are the best darn town in Germany!
[BUD as BOOT-BLACK]
Gutenberg!
[DOUG as BEEF-FAT TRIMMER]
Gutenberg!
[BUD as FLOWER GIRL]
Gutenberg!
[BOTH as DRUNKS]
Gutenber-er-er-er-erg
[BUD, spoken]
Alright, you ready?
[DOUG, spoken]
Ok, I'm ready, you ready? We got this
[BUD, spoken]
Let's bring this home, let's do it. Good job, yeah
[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
I'm the pride of Schlimmer
[BUD as BOOT-BLACK]
He's the pride of Schlimmer!
[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
I'm the cremé de la creméer
[BOTH as GUTENBERG/FLOWER GIRL]
He's/I'm the pride of Schlimmer!
[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
I'm the cremé de la creméer
[BUD as DRUNK #2]
He's the pride of Schlimmer!
[DOUG as GUTENBERG]
I am-
[BOTH as ALL CHARACTERS]
Gutenberg!