Athena Nadalin - origin story Lyrics

If I'm not in control I think I'm in hell
I'm not sick anymore but I'm sure not well
I may have learned to swim before I jumped the ship
But what didn't kill me made me wish it did
And I was at a house party last weekend
This guy said he recognized me and
I couldn't place his face and on mine I think he could see
I said "I'm sorry it must've been 2019"
Glossing over trauma and smacking my lips
'Cause how could you be wounded when you look like this?
Selective deafness and it feels like shit
And does your illness count if everybody is sick?
But I'm not a quitter, a bit committer
Raised with a pack and the bite of my sisters
But they're taking names and rewriting the rules
And I haven't let my hair down since middle school
And I can't feel full without overflowing
Normal human processes I'm ignoring
At the mercy of my candor and everything I stand for
For reasons I don't believe
A narcissist, a f*cking hypocrite, but I don't wanna be
Between a rock and a feeling I don't wanna face
And it's hard to talk about but harder to relate
I'm not walking straight but I'm walking a line
Like my own demise could be a DUI
Crying on the bathroom floor
What's one more night on empty?
My friend's voices drown through this door
I'm pretty sure they all fake-like me
I'm not better, I'm a catfish
I never shrunk I swear I just vanished
Into Diet Coke, anything to smoke
At least my lungs could feel full
I justify the unjustifiable
I think restraint makes me more likeable
To girls I'll never meet and guys who don't know my name
I hope they go home and think "God, that stranger looked great today"
Stop. Check. Why'd we say that?
What's my intention, what's the lesson, what's the use?
Self-therapize into obsession but I still find an excuse
To count, to drown, rebound to bad mouthing myself
It's been 18 months but I would still save face over my health
"Shut up," okay, give me credit
I'm not my past in the present
It sounds like nothing but I do the hard things
Won the war fought over my flesh
I wanna reclaim cities, wanna not feel guilty
Keep the lights on when I have sex
'Cause if you're not recovering you're just dying
And it's hard to give it everything
But I'm trying to be the things I preach and to believe things I can't see
But I swear I caught the plague and no one thinks it's a disease
If I haven't got it down by now, will I ever?
Introducing myself like you haven't met her
Over and over I'll swear I'm new
Just to shrink in what I grew into
I might be happily resurrected
It's not skin and bones, don't you get it?
I still feel whole when I feel hungry
Can I ever outlive my origin story?
I can't feel full without compensating
I can't bear to flood so I drain it
At the mercy of my logic and everything I've promised
For reasons I don't believe
A narcissist, a f*cking hypocrite, but I don't wanna be