Everyone, I just don't know why I'm singing you this song
God knows that I wouldn't hurt a fly and I never would do you wrong
But society keeps telling me, I simply don't fit in
I wasn't you see, cut out to be, a respectable citizen
At balls and dinner parties, I'm always the only one
Who is quite unable to make polite conversation
My questions are too simple to be misunderstood
Like, what's your name, do you smoke a pipe or do you believe in God?
Not to be sensible is a sin that's reprehensible
And that is why they say that I am not respectable
Mr. Jones, I'll make no bones, please listen to my plea
I love your daughter Sally and I'm sure that she loves me
And if you agree I think that we could very soon be wed
I promise to love and honour her until the day I'm dead
This marriage said he is a certainty, provided you can guarantee
To give your wife an easy life and lots of security
Now in truth I was unable to fulfill this demand
And straightway was the victim of a severe reprimand
And as he took his shotgun from off the kitchen wall
I quickly beat a swift retreat and vanished down the hall
The next night as I lay and cried, Sally came to my bedside
And now I'm guilty as you see, of immorality
Well, one fine day I'll make my way to 10 Downing Street
Good day, I'll say, I've come a long way, excuse my naked feet
But I lack you see, the energy to buy a pair of shoes
I lose my zest to look my best, when I read the daily news
'Cause it appears you've got an atom bomb
That'll blow us all to hell and gone
If I've got to die then why should I give a damn if my boots aren't on
Three cheers for the army and all the boys in blue
Three cheers for the scientists and politicians too
Three cheers for the future years, when we shall surely reap
All the joys of living on a nuclear rubbish heap
I would fight quite willingly in the forces of Her Majesty
But not to the price of sacrificing all of humanity
When Adam loved Eve they said that he was very much to blame
But if it had been me beneath that tree, I would have done the same
Psychiatrists always insist there's something wrong with me
My eyes won't rest on a woman's breast with equanimity
Forgive me madam, if I stare, but I love the colour of your hair
My soul is quite out of control, my heart beyond repair
Now the vicar and congregation of the local parish church
Show an inclination to leave me in the lurch
Ever since at Sunday School, I couldn't tell right from wrong
And rated higher than the book of Isaiah, the Song of Solomon
I know that I didn't oughta, fall in love with the vicar's daughter
Now that she has wounded me for all eternity
My song is done, there's only one more thing to say
Forgive me if I've bored you stiff, I'll soon be on my way
For bye and bye I'll have to die and leave the things I love
And in disgrace come face to face with the good Lord up above
Who knows if he won't punish me with a million years of purgatory
For blasphemy, impurity and general insanity
But when amongst the angels we come to take our place
I hope you will not think it too much of a disgrace
If I present to God on high a humble offering
Of twenty years of sweat and tears and the songs I love to sing
And if in heaven it should prove true that God likes the musicians too
We'll sing and play and dance all day and no-one there will say us nay
And all our troubles will melt away, we'll never again be blue