[ Featuring Nino Morro ]
TOM:
Look, I really don t think this is a good idea. It feels way too soon to be seeing a shrink?
CINDY:
Really? Well, that s always your problem, isn t it? You never open up. You need to show what s going on deep in there.
TOM:
Save it for in there...
DEBBIE:
Well, you two must be Tom and Cindy?
Come on in.
(Door close)
(Relaxed) Right. So, first of all, It s great to see two people willing to work at their relationship, and I believe there s no relationship that cannot be saved, so you re in the right place. All right. Let s make a start. So, I want you to say two things you like about each other.
Yes, Tom?
TOM:
Er, can I go second?
DEBBIE:
OK. Cindy, you wanna go?
CINDY:
I guess. I like that Tom dresses well and showed commitment to coming to today s session.
DEBBIE:
OK, great. Tom, what about you?
TOM:
Well she makes these great chocolate chip cookies like you get at Joe Joe s, with the melt in the middle part and marshmallows. They re amazing.
DEBBIE:
Right. Anything else?
TOM:
Oh, yeah, sorry I just can t stop thinking about those, cookies. Well, I m not sure if I can say this but...
DEBBIE:
Go on. This is a circle of trust
TOM:
Her touchie. I mean, I could stare at those peaches all day long. I mean, it s just incredible work, the way they just sit so ...balanced. They just look ready to squeeze an OJ. And I m sure, with a bit of work, you could get a good bit of purchase on one and squeeze
DEBBIE:
Tom?
TOM:
Sorry. Oh my! Am I actually saying this?
DEBBIE:
You OK? You went off into a little
CINDY:
Really?
(Sound of a slap)
TOM:
Ouch!
CINDY:
Cookies and my butt. That s why you re with me?? I mean, yeah, my butt is pretty good, actually. I do 50 squats a day. Anyway, we ve been dating for, like, 30 days, and that s all you see?
DEBBIE:
Wait, wait. What? 30 days?
TOM:
Is that a little early to be seeing a therapist?
CINDY:
Oh, come on, Tom. It isn t an eternity, is it?
TOM:
No, it s, like, a month.
CINDY:
This is what I m talking about: that tone, so patronising.
TOM:
What? I just stated a fact.
CINDY:
Yeah, but it s the way you speak.
TOM:
What, English?
CINDY:
There you go again!
DEBBIE:
OK, OK. How are things between you? In terms of intimacy? PDA? It s important to express your desires physically.
TOM:
We haven t got that far yet. Well, not all the way.
CINDY:
Tom (whispering), I think you need to tell the truth
TOM:
What truth?
CINDY:
Er, the fact that the one time the only time I stayed over you couldn t get Moby Dick to stand up. I mean, what s going on there?
TOM:
Woah! Woah! Wait! Wait!! Do you know what she called my winky?
DEBBIE:
Winky?
CINDY:
Winky?
TOM:
Yeah, my, you know beef whistle? Anyway, besides the point. She called my winky Now wait for it Just-in Beaver . I mean, what a way to knock a man s horse down, baby!
CINDY:
Oh, come on! I was just having a bit of fun. And yeah, I m a little bit obsessed with the singer. Who isn t?
TOM:
And, and, on that: she never shuts up about him. Justin this, Justin that. I don t care! You know, when you re in that, er, moment, in the zone, just settling down, you re both feeling it, you ve had a bit of wine, you re both . Hypnotised by each other s bodies, pheromones are pouring out. Every touch sends you to another world. Then, Cindy grabs hold and pretends she s playing with a puppet, Oh hello, Justin. I mean, what in the world is wrong with you?
DEBBIE:
I know this is a safe space, but I m detecting a lot of concealed anger from you, Tom.
CINDY:
Yes! You see! He needs help. I keep telling him, anger management
TOM:
You gotta be kidding me, right?
DEBBIE:
Let s just take a moment. Everyone take a deep breath and relax. Breathe in and out . Feel the tension just drift away . And again, in and out. Feel better?
TOM:
So much better.
DEBBIE:
Now, listen. I think I m ready to make some pre-observations about your relationship. I said at the start that all relationships can be saved and worked upon. Well, in this case, not you two! I seriously recommend that when you leave here, Tom, you turn right, head down 5th Street and head to Joe Joe s cause you ain t getting those cookies anywhere else. Cindy, I d suggest you turn left, head south on Boardwalk, get a cab, grab your stuff, and go get wasted. You two should never talk to each other again. OK?
TOM:
Well, OK.
CINDY:
OK.
DEBBIE:
So, that will be $400. How would you like to pay?
[ENDS]
