wishing wells Video (MV)

Yeah
I got this dark past in my room and mind
Before it booms let me bring you back to a place I never want to chase
But these dreams got me screaming for f*cking grace

Just 'cause my face is smiling doesn't mean the sadness leaves
Just 'cause I hide it well doesn't mean I have it well
I used to pour in pennies in wishing wells
To wish to grow a pair to kill the person that raped me

Snap out of my shell, always scare, getting older but the pain is there
Like a spell I feel f*cking cursed, always feel worst, stuck in this world
Where there Is space but can't breathe
Where there Is grace but can't grief
I used to get it good when I was in the mood
I wouldn't screwed all of my friendships
But I'm feeling real sad now
That I be looking so mad now
They used to call me the man
But now they see me as a monster, damn

Let me paint the imagery, I hate when they ask about my past
Sometimes I don't wanna vent about the times
That I spent wrecked in my mind stressed
I put out a fake happy, tough persona through my fleshed
I was f*cking nine when I felt him through my spine
Anguish through the pain as I whined
Biting my lips to only taste the blood in my mouth
Everyday was a new drink to taste drive my mouth
Block all of these words
All of these memories
All of these sounds
To not feel, to not smell, to not glare, to not feel alive

I'm now age of eleven
I would make a list on my notebook of ways to die
Did you know it takes thirty stabs to the body till you bleed out to death
Jump onto oncoming traffic to stop all of the stress
Slit the vital vein my brain says so I don't feel pain
I was addicted to these pills didn't know much of 'em
I just knew it put me to sleep but wouldn't end this nightmare
But it isn't a fast death
If I can still breathe then I still have health
If I can still live then I still have wealth
What is wealth without health
What is health without wealth
I just want to kill myself
But I couldn't do it 'cause I'm too weak, I'm too small, I'm too broken

Just 'cause my face is smiling doesn't mean the sadness leaves
Just 'cause I hide it well doesn't mean I have it well
I used to pour in pennies in wishing wells
To wish to grow a pair to kill the person that raped me

Yeah
I hate myself
I hate myself because I speak
I hate myself because I can't lose weight
I hate myself because I have too many problems on my plate
I hate myself for making others feel bad
I hate myself because I am a disappointment to everyone
Now they're tired and mad because they don't wanna give me the roundabout
To the point they tell me in person
Because they are tired of giving me signals on why it's no longer fun
And all of my friendships and relationships are done

I'm an adult now but keep making mistakes along the way
I thought I had it all figured out
Have a family, get a house and be happy
Met this cute person to actually dating my sweet darling
Everything was going well
This is the first time In twenty years where I felt I was in a real relationship

His name is Ade, I'm gonna be using his pronouns by the way
Everything is new to me, going out, going places
Go and kiss, go and cuddle, make love, make buzz
All of the times of me writing fake fairy tails of love to
Actually feeling
Actually breathing
Actually holding
Actually happy
Feeling alive for the first time
To actually falling in love for the first time
I have so much to thank to him
Thank you Ade

Just to f*ck it up a month later by triggering his trauma
Now his mother doesn't like me felt like I was living through enigma
'Cause I hurt him the way they hurt me
Except it wasn't rape I have manners for the prince
I selfishly recorded our intimate moments but
It didn't matter if I didn't mean to record our intimate moments
With only audio through a phone
Even though I didn't know the extent of his trauma had to do with recording
It doesn't dismiss that I did something wrong
I should've asked, I was selfish, only focused on satisfying him
Because In the end I hurt someone that trusted me
Someone that loved me so much It broke them
And I can't fix mistakes but I can say I'm deeply sorry
And that type of shit hurts when you hurt your own
So when all of you ask how I feel
How the f*ck do you think I feel?
Like f*ck Bryan why can't you get your shit together
I got a lot to learn but feel like I'm cursed in return
I just want to end all of the pain when will it stop somebody explain
Looking for questions that don't have answers

Everything's changing, tried to talk to my friends but they just walk away
Now I just see 'em
I see 'em talk
I see 'em walk
I see 'em change
Feeling strange
Got 'em distant
Feeling stunned
And I look around me, grasping at hands that aren't even there
Feeling likes it's not fair but in the end It's my fault
So I just stare and watch as I see all of my friends disappear
Look at the sky not religious but asking god why
Why do i wanna lie down and die
Feel myself cry now inside

What's wrong, I don't wanna talk about it
What's wrong, I don't wanna talk about it
'Cause as soon as yall mention the topic, it brings dark thoughts
I wanna rot, don't wanna go back to the old me
That sits on the floor like a rock

Just 'cause my face is smiling doesn't mean the sadness leaves
Just 'cause I hide it well doesn't mean I have it well
I used to pour in pennies in wishing wells
To wish to grow a pair to kill the person that raped me

You want the honest truth?
You want all of the answers you've been wanting
Every time I draw or try new ways to distract myself on my notebook
Time doesn't heal pain
It teaches us how to live with it
And I wish I could change time
But the much I can do is reflect to your heart when it was mine
I know I would be lucky If he's mine
Ade you will always be worth it in my eyes
More than you take yourself for granted
Now look in the mirror and don't lie
I see the good in you If you don't
Let me remind you that you are pure and beautiful
Much love, my dear Ade
I will always be here for you I love you