On the Twentieth Century Musical Album Lyrics

ACTOR:
Stranded again...

CHORUS:
Ah...

ACTOR:
Beached again,
Washed up on the shore like driftwood in Chicago.
Like garbage in Chicago.

CHORUS:
Ah...

ACTOR:
Swindled again...

CHORUS:
Ah...

ACTOR:
Screwed again.
Cheated out of two weeks' wages in Chicago.
Plus car fare from Chicago.

CHORUS:
Ah, ah, ah...
Stranded again,
Beached again
Cheated and misused,
Abandoned and abused
By a master...
disaster...
in Chicago!

CHORUS
Life and love and luck may be changed.
Hope renewed and fate rearranged
On the Twentieth Century
On the Twentieth Century
On the luxury liner between N.Y and Chi!

OSCAR
(spoken) Traitors! Look at the two of you: Judas Iscariot and his sister Sue.
You think I'm finished? They all think I'm finished. Just because I've had a failure...
all right, four failures. But what glorious ones!
The burning of Joan of Arc in "The French Girl" was the most transcendant
theatrical experience since "The Magic Fire" scene in "Die Walkuere"! Let me enemies gloat.
Let them kick me when I'm down... but every time they think I'm through...

(sung) I rise again
Full size again,
And give those doubting Thomases a walloping surprise again!
I sneer at them,
I jeer at them,
I thumb my nose and bite my thumb and bare my royal rear at them!
With my back up against the wall,
With the wolves yapping at my heels,
With the noose tightening 'round my neck,
That's the time I know how living really feels.
With the wall up against my back,
With the water rising to my chin,
Chained and bound tight inside a sack,
That's the plight that I'm delighted in!
For I have powers like Aladdin's Genie did.
I do escape tricks better than Houdini did.
In the black of my cul-de-sac,
Do I crack and fall? No - I attack!
With my back up against the wall...

OLIVER & OWEN
Listen boss, you've got to use your brain.
Everyone you owe will meet the train

OSCAR
I Shine again,
All is mine again,
A fighter rising from the canvas at the count of nine - -

OLIVER & OWEN
Nine? The count is ten!
You're out! The drums of doom are knocking.
Your theatre and your offices
The bankers will be locking.

OSCAR
I spit at them,
Spray flit at them.
I'll face those grim Goliaths with my sling shot
And I'll hit at them.
With my back up against the wall,
Angry birds pecking with their beaks
Or submerged, sealed inside a tomb -
That challenge brings the roses to my cheeks.
So rally 'round me now, my musketeering men.
We'll turn that raging lynch mob into cheering men!
From the false reports of my demise,
Like the phoenix right before their eyes
With my back up against the wall...

OWEN
With his back up against the wall...

OLIVER
With his back up against the wall...

OSCAR
I rise again!

OWEN & OLIVER
Ah-ah-ah

ALL THREE
I (He'll) rise again!

IMELDA
By the gray Shaboueesee Riverbank,
The Choctaw maiden sadly sits
With her raven hair uncombed
And drums on her birch bark bagooda
And cries for her brave who has roamed...
Brave
Mine
Come back
Fine
Follow through in your,
(spoken) Uh... Uh...

MILDRED & LILY
In your canoe!

IMELDA
(spoken - angry!) Thank you.
(sung) Brave
Mine
Come back...

MILDRED & LILY
(Spoken) Uh-uh-uh-uh, this time it goes up a fourth there.

IMELDA
(Spoken) What?

MILDRED & LILY
Come back fine!

IMELDA
Come back

MILDRED & LILY
(Spoken) Uh-uh-uh
(Sung) Come back

IMELDA
Come back

MILDRED & LILY
Sorry... come back
Fine
Follow through
In your canoe!

CONDUCTOR
I have written a play, Mr. Jaffee.
An average conductor's day, Mr. Jaffee.
It's all about life on a train.
I call it "Life... On A Train".
I put it down just as it happened
Oh, the things I've seen
Oh the things I've seen.
If you put that on stage I guarantee -
Take it from me! -
It will be
A big success.
Oh yes!
A big success!

CHORUS
It's Lily Garland! Lily Garland! Lily Garland!
Hear my heart hammer,
Feel my pulse quicken,
Me and her on this train together.
Watch my hands tremble,
Hear my voice thicken,
Me and her on this train together.

OSCAR
I'll be with

OSCAR & CHORUS
Lily Garland.

OSCAR
Right here with

OSCAR & CHORUS
Lily Garland

OSCAR
My Lily,
We'll travel close together
All across the land
CHORUS
Together

OSCAR
We're almost hand in hand

CHORUS
Together.

OSCAR
It's more than I can stand

CHORUS
To know my favourite star
Is not so very far.
That somewhere there her scent will fill the air.
She'll change her dress.
She'll comb her hair.
Oh lucky me,
Can it Be?
I see her
Slim

Stop pushing!


Soft
Sleek

Don't shove me!


Slippers
Slim

That's my place!


Sheer
Silk

Hey watch it!


Ankles
Her

Move over!


And

Excuse me

I

Stop kicking


Here we

I'll kill you


Are

Don't block my view


Together
Skin

You're crowding


Like Pink

Move Over


Petals
Nails

She's waving


Like Pink

She's smiling


Opals
I could gladly die
Up till now, just empty days
Made up what I'd call my life.
But today's the day of days
I'll remember all my life
Remember all my life!
Remember all my life!
Just me and Lily Garland on this train
Miss Garland's getting on this train
She's getting on
She's getting on
She's on the train, she's on the train, she's on the train
She's on the train, she's on the train, she's on the train
She's on the train, she's on the train, she's on the train
She's on the train, she's on the train, she's on the train
She's on the train, she's on the train, she's on the train!

LILY
Let me see.
Let me see.
When would I be available?
When will I be free?
March? September? June? November?
Nineteen thirty three?
Nineteen thirty four?
Thirty five?
Thirty six?
Never?
Never!
Never - that is the word I use,
Never - that is the word I choose,
Tell him, tell him you really tried
Tell him, tell him that really I'd rather die!
Never! Never is much to quick,
Never! He makes me much too sick
Let him save his own hateful hide
Let him know he's so hateful, I'd rather die!

OLIVER & OWEN
Lily, come back to him!
LILY
Never, I hear that his failure has been fantastic

OLIVER & OWEN
Lily, come back to him!
He might do something drastic.
Lily, he hasn't a cufflink on which to borrow.

LILY
Lovely!

OLIVER & OWEN
They're taking his theatre away tomorrow

LILY
Never! That is the word I seek.
Never! That is the word I shrieeeeeeek!
Never - tell him you heard it here;
Never - tell him you heard it clear,
Tell him if he comes through the door
I will trample him through the floor.
Tell him, tell him I'll strangle him!
Tell him, tell him I'm mangle him!
Tell him... (stutters incoherently)
Go back with him.
Here's my reply:
Let me see... I'd rather die!

OSCAR
Our private world is like a play about a pair of lovers.
The plot says only we may enter
And only we may share the light of love, stage center.
Our private world is sweet like this,
Complete like this,
Far beyond the throng,
Sure and strong,
We belong together.
You opposite me, opposite you,
Safe on our planet made only for two.
Night after night, day after day,
Living our private two-character play
Here in our private world.

OSCAR & LILY
Our private world is like a play about a pair of lovers.
The plot says only we may enter
And only we may share the light of love, stage center.
Our private world is sweet like this,
Complete like this,
Far beyond the throng,
Sure and strong,
We belong together.
You opposite me, opposite you,
Safe on our planet made only for two.
Night after night, day after day,
Living our private two-character play
Here in our private world.

OSCAR
(Speaking into his mirror) Hello you.

BRUCE
(Speaking into his mirror) Hello you.

OSCAR
Your flashing wit.

BRUCE
Your flashing eyes.

OSCAR
Your brilliant brain.

BRUCE
Your brutal thighs.

OSCAR & BRUCE:
These are the tools you've got at your command

OSCAR
To make her mine

BRUCE
To keep her mine

OSCAR
To make her mine

BRUCE
Your crooked smile.

OSCAR
Your inner fire

BRUCE
That spells romance

OSCAR
That sparks desire

BRUCE
Cuddly, crunchy

OSCAR & BRUCE
You've got what the ladies cry for

OSCAR
Crafty, cunning

OSCAR & BRUCE
You are what they'd gladly die for.

OSCAR
Talent, genius

OSCAR & BRUCE
You're the stuff that dreams are made of.

BRUCE
He-man, lover

OSCAR & BRUCE
What have you to be afraid of?
What have you to be afraid of?
You're almost perfect but one thing is true...
You need her desparately, but she does not need you.

OSCAR
She runs the show.

BRUCE
She runs the show.

OSCAR
She leads the band.

BRUCE
She leads the band

OSCAR
The royal flush

BRUCE
The royal flush

OSCAR
Is in her hand

BRUCE
Is in her hand

OSCAR & BRUCE
Face it old boy,
You can't afford to fail.
Must not fail,
dare not fail,
will not fail.

OSCAR
So flash that smile.

BRUCE
And flash those eyes

OSCAR
And use that brain

BRUCE
And use those thighs...

OSCAR & BRUCE
Hey team, yay team,
Break right through the line!
There is no stronger challenge than
An independent woman...
You can do it, you can do it

BRUCE
Got to keep her

OSCAR
Got to make her...

OSCAR & BRUCE
Mine!
Mine!
All mine!

LILY
Life is simply great.
My silverware is gold.
Through my Bel Air estate,
Champagne's a flowing river.
Next to my Rolls Royce,
A Cadillac's a flivver.
I'm in clover
And my cup it runneth over.
I have left my footprints in the wet concrete,
My home town now has a Lily Garland street,
I am mobbed by fans who faint and shriek my name,
(laughs) The Price of fame.
Look at you and me,
The sweetest story told.
I'm high as I can be,
You're lying in an alley.
Trilby found her voice -
She doesn't need Svengali!
You've got nothing and I've got it all.
Forgive my lack of tact,
But here's the basic fact:
You've got nothing and I've got it all.

OSCAR
(spoken) Are you finished?

LILY
(spoken) No, you are!
(sung) Chauffeur, butler, cook
OSCAR
(spoken) You're spoiled

LILY
They're foreign and they're old.

OSCAR
Your reputation's soiled.
A billion shopgirls ape you.
Nightly nationwide,
A billion farmhands rape you.

LILY
Please stop trying.
What you'd like to sell me, I'm not buying.
Don't come at me with a contract,
I will not sign any contract.

OSCAR
Contract? Contract?
Who said contract?
Did you hear me mention contract?
I came here with a dream
We shared once long ago.
Two hearts with one grand scheme:

LILY
(spoken) Don't you know when something's over?

OSCAR
(spoken) This was a professional dream.
(sung) The role that you were made for.
A role, a chance to play
That Bernhardt would have paid for.

LILY
Save your breath.
Don't even try.
Back again with you?
I'd rather die!

OSCAR
Perhaps it's just as well.
I've seen you on the screen.
On stage you wove a spell,
With each new play it deepened.
But now your art is gone,
It's coarsened and it's cheapened.
Since you rolled out -
Since you sold out
To cheap Hollywood.
Sleazy, cheesy Hollywood,
Pitiful, city full of celluloid slime.

LILY
(spoken) You're just jealous.

OLIVER
Ermine vested,
Vermin infested
Home of freaks and sheiks and geeks
And celluloid crime.

LILY
(spoken) Sour grapes!

OLIVER
Playing foolish parts,
Every part the same,
Morons who direct,
Crucify your name.
Lily on display,
Just a bargain sale.
Lily face the truth,
Lily you've gone stale!

LILY
(spoken) Stale?

OSCAR
Another stale cheap dolly
From cheap, cheap Holly...

LILY
My life is simply great.
My silverware is gold.
Through my Bel Air estate,
Champagne's a flowing river.
Look at my Rolls Royce -

OSCAR
Poor Lily, you've gone stale.

LILY
The movie public's choice!

OSCAR
That's not the Holy Grail.

LILY
All the biggest names in town
Are begging to be asked to dinner.

OSCAR
Give them all a year or so,
They'll drop you for the latest winner.

LILY
I did it all myself.

OSCAR
Keep your tainted pelf

LILY
Got there by myself

OSCAR
Landed on the shelf

LILY
Never needed you

OSCAR
Lily, you are through

LILY
I'm a winner

OSCAR
You're a loser.

LILY
Stop your trying,
I'm not buying.

OSCAR
Tragic story,
lost your glory.

LILY
Some Svengali,
In an alley.

OSCAR
Shop girls ape you,
Farmhands rape you.

LILY
I've got it

OSCAR
You've lost it

LILY
I've got it!

OSCAR
You've lost it!

LILY
I've got it.

OSCAR
You've lost it!

LILY
I've got it!

OSCAR
You've lost it!
Cheap Hollywood...

LILY
I've got it all

OSCAR
Cheap Hollywood

LILY
I've got it all

OSCAR
You've lost it!

LILY
I've got it

LILY & OSCAR
All!

PORTER #1
Wasn't it Robert Fulton who said,
Life is like a train?
No, it wasn't. He said
Life is like a boat.

PORTER #2
Wasn't it Isaac Newton who said
Life is like a train?
No, it wasn't. He said
Life is like an apple

PORTER #3
Wasn't it Lord Chesterfield who said
Life is like a train?
No, it wasn't. He said
Life is like a coat.

PORTER #4
Then who said it?

PORTERS
We did! We did!
Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho!
Life is like a train!
Life is like a train!
And arenТt we lucky to be making the ride
Together?
Life is like a train!
A roaring rushing train!
You get on at the beginning,
You get off at the end.
Along the way you may find a lover
Along the way you may find a friend.
In case you didnТt get the cosmic thought that hit our brain
Let us explain once again!
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is

PORTER #2
Not like an apple

PORTERS
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a T
R
A
I
N
Life is like a train
Life is not a boat
Life is like a train
Life is not a coat
Life is like a train
(x15)
ThereТs always a light at the end of a tunnel
ThereТs always something new round the bend
But this is our philosophy
And this it shall remain
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like a train
Life is like..a train!

OWEN & OLIVER
One two three four five
One two three four five
Five zeros, preceded by a two,
Preceded by a dollar sign
Is too, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Wonderful for words.
Hello old friend,
Hello mister money.
YouТve been away so long,
Pull up a chair, put up your feet.
Hello old friend,
We've missed you Mister Money,
So stick around,
Don't leave us,
Cause when you are here we eat!

MRS. PRIMROSE
(spoken) Ah yes. One more zero...

OWEN & OLIVER
Five zeros preceded by a two,

OWEN
Preceded by a dollar sign is

OLIVER & OWEN
Too, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, wonderful for words!

MRS PRIMROSE
Five zeros, preceded by a two
Is just the merest bagatelle,
ThereТs so oh, oh, oh, oh, oh much more I can do.
My newfound friends,
why what good is money?
Except to bring salvation
to this sorry vale of tears?

OSCAR
My newfound friend,
I'll take your sacred money
And soon you'll share the glory
when the theatre bursts with cheers!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Hello old friend,
Hello Mister Broadway,
You ainТt seen nothing yet,
WeТre gonna tear this town apart.
Hello old friend,
We're bringing back to Broadway,
An Oscar Jaffee classic that's commercial
Yet itТs art!
Five zeros, preceded by a two,
Preceded by a dollar sign is
Too oh, oh, oh, oh, oh wonderful for words!

OLIVER & OWEN
Hey Lily, hey Lily,
YouТre home again at last.
Hi Lily, Hi Lily,

OSCAR
Boys, not too fast!
This is Mrs Letitia Primrose
Letitia Restoria Primrose
Mrs Primrose, meet Lily Garland.

MRS PRIMROSE
How do you do?
YouТre the famous motion picture actress
Mister Jaffee said I'd meet today.
I believe in Oscar Jaffee!
My purse strings are open,
I'll sponsor him all the way

OLIVER & OWEN
Sign, Lily, sign, Lily,
Sign on the dotted line.
Sign, Lily. Come back to us, Lily, Sign.
It's not a contract,
It's more like a Valentine.
Sign it, Lily, sign, Lily, sign!

MRS. PRIMROSE
What a beautiful moment,
What a mystical moment,
This is more than a contract,
It's more like taking the vows.

BRUCE (entering)
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell's going on?
I go out for a shave

LILY
Shhh, I'm reading

BRUCE
A lousy little shave!

OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER, MRS. PRIMROSE
Shhh sheТs reading!

BRUCE
WhatТs that thing?

OWEN, OLIVER, MRS. PRIMROSE
It's a contract.

OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER
Shhh!

BRUCE
A contract?

OSCAR
It's a contract.
Listen, Lily, who remembers who directed Bernhardt, Lily?
Who remembers who directed Duse, Lily?
No one will remember I directed you,
They'll only think of Lily Garland
You are who they'll write about, Miss Lily Garland,
You are what they'll talk about, just Lily Garland
Sign it Lily, they'll remember you forever

OSCAR
Listen, Lily, who remembers who directed Bernhardt, Lily?
Who remembers who directed Duse, Lily?
No one will remember I directed you,
They'll only think of Lily Garland
You are who they'll write about, Miss Lily Garland,
You are what they'll talk about, just Lily Garland
Sign it Lily, they'll remember you forever

OLIVER & OWEN
Sign, Lily, sign, Lily, sign on the dotted line!
Sign, Lily, come back to us, Lily, sign!
It's not a contract,
It's more like a Valentine.
Sign it, sign it, sign, Lily, sign!

MRS PRIMROSE
What a beautiful moment,
What a mystical moment
This is more than a contract
It's more like taking the vows.

BRUCE
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell are you doing?
Don't sign it,
Don't sign it
Don't sign it!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily

BRUCE
Don't sign Lily!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily

BRUCE
Don't sign, Lily!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it
Sign it
Sign it

BRUCE
Don't sign!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it
Sign it
Sign it

BRUCE
Don't sign!

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it
Sign it
Sign it

BRUCE
Don't sign it!

LILY
Why am I even considering this?
Is it the two hundred thousand dollars?

OSCAR, OLIVER, OWEN, MRS. PRIMROSE
Sign it
Sign it
Sign it

BRUCE
Don't sign it!

LILY
No. It's more than that!
It's something else.
Something elseЕ
Hear my heart hammer
Feel my pulse quicken
He and I once again
Together.
Watch my hands tremble
Hear my voice thicken
Dare we fly once again
Together?
I got along without him
Felt sure and strong without him
I had to find a way to live my life alone
I called my life my own.
But how could I have known
That love from way back when
Would flood my heart again
That he'd walk in
And I'd hear strings begin.
To pull me back
To where IТd been
I mustn't go
And yet I know I'm going
Deep sweet old feelings

OSCAR
Come back to me, my Lily
You must come back my Lily.

LILY
Wild long lost longings
He and I here we are

OSCAR
Let's love and play together
For ever stay

LILY & OSCAR
Together

OSCAR
Your every sign cries СOscar'
Your every breath breathes СOscar'
I know you care, you

LILY
Every sign warns me
Every breath cries beware. But I don't

OSCAR & LILY
ЕCare!
Since we parted, empty days
Made up what I'd call my life.
Now he'll fill those empty days
From now on and all my life together
(S)he and I together
(S)he and I together

OSCAR
Hey Lily,

LILY
Stop! Be smart!
Say no, you can't go back
To long ago.
You can't go back.

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You must come back

LILY
You can't go back

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You must come back

LILY
You can't go back

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You must come back

LILY
You can't go back

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You must come back

LILY
You must say no

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You can't say no

LILY
You must say no

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You can't say no

LILY
You must say no

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You can't say no

LILY
You must say no

OWEN, OLIVER & OSCAR
You can't say no

OSCAR
Listen Lily,
Who remembers who directed Bernhardt, Lily?
Who remembers who directed Duse, Lily?

LILY
Should I say yes?
Should I say no?

OWEN & OLIVER
Sign Lily, sign Lily,
Sign on the dotted line!

MRS. PRIMROSE
What a mystical moment,
What a beautiful moment.

BRUCE
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell are you doing?

OSCAR
Sign it, Lily!
Sign it, Lily!

LILY
Can I go back to long ago?

OWEN & OLIVER
Sign it
Sign it
Sign it

BRUCE
Don't sign it
Don't sign it
Don't sign it

OSCAR
Sign it, Lily

OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily

BRUCE
Don't sign, Lily!

LILY
Should I sign it?

OSCAR
Sign it, Lily

OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Sign it Lily
Sign it Lily

BRUCE
Don't sign, Lily!

LILY
I can't sign it.

OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Sign it, Lily

BRUCE
Don't sign, Lily

LILY
Should I sign it?

OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Sign it, Lily
Sign it

BRUCE
Don't sign

LILY
Should IЕ

LILY, OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Sign it, sign

OSCAR, OWEN, OLIVER & MRS PRIMROSE
Lily, sign!

LILY
Should I sign?

BRUCE
Don't sign!

DOCTOR FLANAGAN
ItТs a very sad case.
She's a nut,
She's a nut.

FLANAGAN & OFFICERS
Mrs. Primrose is a nut.

OLIVER
She's a nut?
She's a nut?
Mrs. Primrose is a nut?

FLANAGAN & OFFICERS
She's a nut.
She's a nut.
Mrs. Primrose is a nut.

OLIVER
Mrs. Primrose is a nut?
But-but-but-but-but-but-butЕ
It's a lie,
It's a lie,
She's as sane as you or I.

FLANAGAN & OFFICERS
She's a nut.
She's a nut.
She's a real religious nut.
It's a very sad case
It's a very sad case
It's a very sad case
It's a very sad case
She's the one who put up the stickers.
She's the one who put up the stickers.

OLIVER
Repent for the time is at hand?

FLANAGAN & OFFICERS
Repent for the time is at hand.

OLIVER, FLANAGAN & OFFICERS
Repent for the time is at hand!

PASSENGERS
She's a nut
She's a nut
Mrs. Primrose is a nut
She's a nut
She's a nut
She's a real religious nut.

OLIVER
(spoken) Owen! Owen!

OWEN
(spoken) Everything's under control.
What's up?

OLIVER
She's a nut
She's a nut
Mrs. Primrose is a nut!

OWEN
Mrs. Primrose is a nut?
But-but-but-but-but-but-but.
It's a lie,
It's a lie,
She's as sane as you or I

OLIVER
She's a nut,
She's a nut
She's a real religious nut.
She's the one who put up the stickers!
She's the one who put up the stickers!

OWEN
Repent for the time is?

OLIVER
Repent for the time is.

OWEN & OLIVER
Repent for the time is at hand!

OWEN
No, no!

OLIVER & OWEN
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Five zeros, alone without the two.
Alone without the dollar sign is zero!
Zero!
No, no, no, no.
It's a very sad case,
We're a very sad case
We're a very sad case.
She's a nut!

OFFICERS
She's a nut!
Mrs. Primrose is a nut!

OSCAR
Mrs. Primrose is a nut?
But-but-but-but-but-but-but.
It's a lie,
It's a lie,
She's as sane as you or I

CONDUCTOR & OFFICERS
She's a nut.
She's a nut.
She's a real religious nut.

OLIVER & OWEN
She's the one who put up the stickers!

OWEN, OLIVER & MEN
She's the one who put up the stickers!

CONDUCTORS
She escaped from a mental institution
And her nephew sent these officers to come
And take her off the train.

OSCAR
Oh no, no, not Mrs. Primrose...

ALL
Oh yes yes yes, Mrs. Primrose...

OLIVER & OWEN
We are back in a state of destitution
Сause her check is made of rubber
And our hopes are slipping down the drain!

OSCAR
No no no, not Mrs. Primrose!

ALL
Oh yes yes yes, Mrs. Primrose
Is a nut,
She's a nut

OSCAR
But but but but but but but

ALL
It's a very sad case
It's a very sad case

CONDUCTOR
Let us know the second that you see her!

BRUCE
She's a nut,
She's a nut,
Mrs. Primrose is a nut

LILY
Mrs. Primrose is a nut
But-but-but-but-but-but-but?
It's a lie,
It's a line
She's as sane as you or I

BRUCE
She's a nut
She's a nut
She's a real religious nut.

LILY
No! What will become of my movie?
What will become of my movie?
Wait till I get my hands on Oscar
Wait till I get my hands on him!

ALL
She's a nut
She's a nut
Mrs. Primrose is a nut
She's a nut
She's a nut
She's a real religious nut!
(X3)
She's a nut!

MAX
Lily, I've come
I flew out by plane!
I just made the train.
It's Max Jacobs.

OSCAR
(spoken) Max Jacobs! Aaaaah!

LILY
(spoken) Maxie! My angel!

MAX
Look what I've got
For you to see.
Act One, Act Two, Act Three.
Took no chances,
Used my brain.
Hopped on the plane
And made the train.

LILY & MAX
Look what I've (You've) got for you (me) to see.
Act One, Act Two, Act Three.

LILY
(spoken) Maxie, am I glad to see you!

LILY
(reading) An evening late in June.
A formal dinner at Babette's.
The talk is sharp and swift.
And yet the atmosphere is fraught with tension.
Everyone is there.
Corrupt (She laughs a trilling corrupt laugh) and debonair.
A Mayfair set convention.

LILY
(spoken)Babette speaks
I gave this small soiree
To tell you all the shrieking news.
I'm leaving Rodney's bed.
The joke is that I'm also leaving Nigel.
What a shabby lot.
Bedecked with jewels
Between two fools
All hope is gone
The dance goes on
And make the music hot!

LILY
(spoken) Rodney speaks! Babette,
If you think that you can throw away and so on and so on
Nigel speaks! But! Babette,
This charade will have to end and so on and so on
Rodney: why, you filthy slu' and so on and so on
And the guests chatter, and so and so and so
Babette!
(sung) My cigarette is out.
Oh Rodney, please give me a light.
I need another drink,
She sneers and hurls her glass of gin at Nigel.
What a shabby lot.
We get away
To St. Tropez
In gin and bitters
Drown my jitters.

OSCAR
(spoken) Lily, forget Babette! You'd be magnificent as Mary Magdalene!

LILY
Yes! Take your wine away!
Reborn am I today!
Redemption!
Our sins will be forgiven
And we shall be
No.

(Returning to Babette):
I need another drink.
I think I'd like a sip of champagne
or better still a snort of cocaine
or better still
(Magdalene):
Oh brothers, sinners, kneel with me.
LetТs pray for Dear CyrilТs gone to pot.
His liverТs simply shot
His brain has turned to cotton
Teeth all rotten
Let us seek salvation!
(Babette):
I'm sick of Rodney. Nigel. Nigel. Rodney. Rodney. Nigel.
My cigarette is out
The gin is never strong enough.
I live for endless loving
boozing
dancing
cruising...
We shall be saved!
Boozing dancing crusiing
We shall be saved!
Rodney nigel Rodney boozing dancing cruising
We shall be!
My cigarette is
Saved!
My cigarette is С
Saved!
My cigarette is
Saved!
Where are you, Rodney
Nigel, nigel, Rodney, Rodney
Nigel, oscar, oscar, oscar, oscar.
Oscar! (spoken) Oscar!

CHORUS
Ah.

LILY
(spoken) Oscar! Goodbye Oscar! Goodbye Mary Magdalene!
(sung) Max, I love this play!
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Max, I'll do this play!
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Max, I really really love this play!
I can safely say
I will slay Broadway.
Make way for bad Babette
The darling of the Mayfair set
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Depraved,
Debauched
And dclass
Max I really really love this play
Chic and tres risqu
Weary and soigne
It's Babs the British witch
The idol of the idle rich!
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh
Deh deh deh deh deh
Degenerate
Decadent
Hey, hey, hey!
Max, we're set
You've lit my cigarette.
Max, I'll do Babette!
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Babette!

OSCAR
You may feel bad for a while.
But it's better far this way.
For I am much too good a showman
To dwindle like a snowman
Melting down one sunny day.
My office one overflowed
With celebrities galore.
I ruled Broadway like a king
But now what lies in store?
(spoken) Boys, can't you see it? Oh God.
(sung) I can see a lonely shuffling figure
Haunting Shubert Alley.
(spoken) "It's Crazy Oscar", hear them cry!
"Get Officer O'Malley"!
I meant no harm. Please help me up!
Where are my pencils? Where are my cup?
Oh thankyou lad, I'll move along.
(sung) Pencils. Pencils. Who'll buy my pencils?
Crazy OscarТs song.
You wouldn't want to see me that way.
Boys, I know when I've had my day
My story ends.
The dramaТs through.
I leave my worldly possessions to you.

To you I leave my cape and my fedora.
To you I leave my mustache wax.
To you I leave an ostrich fan from Flora Dora.
To you I leave my unpaid income tax.
To you I leave my bust of Henry Irving.
To you I leave my headache pills.
To you, my set of Theodore Dreiser
My portrait of the Kaiser
And a ten foot stack of unpaid bills.
And when you hear a lonely whistle blowing
Some future time while riding through the night
Could be that whistle is your dear departed Oscar
Calling "Boys letТs meet at Luchow's for a bite".
To you I leave my Japanese kimono
To you I leave my cane and spats
To you I leave a worn out record of "Ramona"
To you I leave my gravy stained cravats
To you I leave my letters to the critics,
To you I leave a large false nose
To you my bowl of red wax cherries
A wig of Ellen TerryТs
And some ticket stubs from УAbieТs Irish Rose

OSCAR
(spoken) Boys, boys, dry your eyes. I don't want to see you weeping.
I want smiles! And pride in the memories of your association with me.
Some day in the future, when you are feeling low...
I want you to go to your closet, and when you open that door...

(sung) Take out my cape and my fedora
And put it on and think of me
And call to mind my charismatic aura
And the legacy I left to thee!

OLIVER
(spoken) He can't talk much. The doctor says it's right through his heart...

OSCAR (feebly)
(spoken) Who is that crying?

LILY
(spoken) It's Lily.

OSCAR
(sung)Lily!

LILY
(sung)Oscar, why did you do it?

OSCAR
There was nothing left,
They all went away:
Those I loved and needed.
It's getting dark,
Stay a little while longer, Lily.

LILY
Oscar. Oscar.

OSCAR
(spoken) No tears, please.
I only wish I could have seen you just once more. Held you just once more.
(sung) Lily. Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
WhereТs that contract?
The last one I drew up for Lily Garland?

OLIVER
Here it is.

OSCAR
I want you to bury this with me
When I'm dead.
Put it on my body
Next to my heart
When it has stopped beating.
Is she still here?

LILY
I'm here beside you.

OSCAR
Lily

LILY
Oscar

OSCAR
Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Where's the contract?

OLIVER
Here it is.

OSCAR
Ask her if she would care
To write her name on it.

OLIVER
His last request.

LILY
Yes. Yes.

OSCAR
Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Lily! Lily!

LILY
Oscar! Oscar!

OSCAR
This will be my monument!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Lily!

LILY
Oscar!

OSCAR
Lily