ORTM - Die Tonight Lyrics

Yknow, I have a hard time knowing, if I am allowed to feel certain emotions.
Is it ok for me to love when I am so messed up?
Am I allowed to feel sad when people have it worse?
I don't know the answer to these questions.
And it scares me.
Like, I don't even know if I deserve to feel happy.
I am a walking contradiction to my family and religion.
Yet I am still in contact with them and fully believe.
I want to die tonight...
I'm a walking contradiction
Living life with no mission
Yet I try to keep up a good self-image.
My body is new but these memories feel vintage.
I'm just stuck with all these cracks
Trying to get my life on track
I don't think my life is worth it
I've been living life like a hermit
I don't think I should keep going
The older I get the more I feel broken
And the more depressed I start to feel
I really wish I wasn't real!
But if I end it; I'm f*cking selfish
This life is so f*cking hellish
I just want to eternally rest this
Body and give up my life and I wanna
Die tonight, Die tonight, yeah
I don't wanna live my life
Die tonight, Die tonight, yeah
I'm scared to grab the f*cking knife
Because if I end up using it
How many people will I be losing with me
I could be no one or everything
I'm fine with ending myself
But not my family
Die tonight, Die tonight, yeah
I don't wanna live my life
Die tonight, Die tonight, yeah
I'm scared to grab the f*cking knife
Because if I end up using it
How many people will I be losing with me
I could be no one or everything
I'm fine with ending myself
But not my family
December 11th 2024,
The day I was making this song,
My dog that's been with me for 11 years, has finally passed away.
I wasn't ready for this, I stopped giving responses to people.
Instead answering with simple nods.
Because I don't want people to know how much this has affected me.
I loved that dog more than my family.
He wasn't there to judge or have an expectation.
He was just there.
And I loved him.