Tim Minchin - Ten Foot Cock And A Few Hundred Virgins Lyrics

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO
And when the Lord comes down with his shimmering chariot of salvation
You're gonna be the first to know

So if
God was there from the very beginning
He invented men and women
Then He also invented wanking
Then He said wanking was sinning
So now if I'm feeling randy
I'm not allowed a hand shandy
But having sex with my family
That is just f*cking great
It's all there in Ezekiel 8
Just before he opens up His big pearly gates
And says that it's a sin
To take it up the date
Even if it's great
Even with your cowboy mate

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at the greener grass
And when the Lord comes down with His shiny rod of judgement
He's gonna kick my heathen ass

So if you
Cover the bodies of your women
Everybody is grinning
Because black is so slimming
Though it's not great for swimming
But it gives you an erection
With the increased sexual tension
What with the UV protection
That is second to none
You'll find it all in the Koran
Just next to the bit that justifies guns
And says that it's a sin
To take it up the bum
Even if it's fun
Even with permission from your mum

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at eternity
And when the Lord comes down and I haven't done my penance
He's gonna disembowel me

You say that
If I
Stumbled on a watch I'd assume it had a watchmaker
That a muffin presupposes a baker
So we must agree sooner or later
This proves there's a creator
So if I put your foot in a stinker
You'd assume the existence of a sphincter
Thus you don't need to be a great thinker
To conclude that God's a bum
Which negates the words of Genesis 1
Which make him out to be so much fun
Until Adam succumbed
To temptation
And then his only son
Got nailed to a gum

Or the Middle East equivalent
Which suggest that God's omniscience
Is nullified by his ambivalence
Unless it turns out that he's impotent
And if God can't get a boner
I guess that explains the plethora
Of huge erections in His honour
Cos we all know a steeple is just a subconscious
Compensatory manifestation of a huge, stiff penis
And still He tell us that it's heinous
To stick a penis up your anus
Even if you're famous
Even if you're good at tennis

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO
And when the Lord comes down with His big, stiff, slimy rod of judgement
I'm gonna be the first to go
He's gonna send me down below
He's gonna whip me like a ho
D'you really think so?
I'm gonna be the first to go